*Early Church Psychology*

So much for getting mad because your toaster stopped working this morning.
Or being "upset" and "holding a grudge" because someone spoke to you in the wrong tone of voice.
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The above picture depicts a day when all Christians were Catholics. Just the mere "thought" of the Church dividing into factions in dispute against one another was deplorable and considered "heresy". ... How today we've grown accustomed to divisions and disagreements. Differences of opinion, or "Your-truth-being-your-truth,-and-my-truth-being-my-truth."
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And then the world was without "psychology". ... Or was it?
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** I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.
** And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
** For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith.
** For as we have many members in one body, but all the members do not have the same function, so we, being many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another.
** Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, let us use them; if prophecy, let us prophesy in proportion to our faith; or ministry, let us use it in our ministering; he who teaches, in teaching; he who exhorts, in exhortation, he who gives, with liberality; he who leads, with diligence; he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness.
** Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good.
** Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.
** Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.
** Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion.
** Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.
** Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord.
** Therefore "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; If he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head." (Romans chapter 12)
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(Note: The "coals of fire" mentioned in this scripture, refers to a neighbor giving "extra burning coals" to another neighbor who needed a warm fire in his home. The neighbor receiving the coals would then carry the "coals of fire" in a basket safely on his head to his home to start a fire for the benefit of he and his family. ... The illustration meant nothing that was negative or harmful.)
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*When Giving Advice Is Difficult!*

Do you see this face? ... I warn you, this is "not" someone you want to "mess" with! ... I'm talking about "Sister Mary Martha". ... A receiver of questions, and giver of advice. ... At the top of her blog ensconced forever are the words: "Life is tough. But Nuns are tougher. If you need helpful advice just "ASK SISTER MARY MARTHA". She'll help you. Just don't expect any sympathy."
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Still, mercifully, she admits there are times she doesn't know what to say to peoples' questions. (Admitting that answering to a few sentences can be dangerous.) ... Let's read her own words:

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... Suppose you tell me that your brother is a very sweet man but is somewhat neglectful of his wife. You go on to explain that he loves her very much, he is always there for her when it is really important, he's a good bread winner, a good provider. He just misses a birthday sometimes or shows up really late for family gatherings and his wife is embarrassed and it causes them to fight.

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What do I say? I would say, keep your trap shut and say a rosary in his behalf and thank the Good Lord that they are more happy than not, that he is there where he really needs to be, that he loves her and that maybe she is being a little needy. If I had to talk with his wife, if she told me about all the things she needs from him, I might say, "Drop some needs."

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But you've neglected to tell me, in your question, that the reason your brother is late is because he is being detained by the police, that his nickname is "Sonny"(always a red flag) and that his good behavior always coincides with the periods in which he is on the wagon.

Now my advice is really, "really" bad.

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That's why I can't touch this. (Then she shows a letter!):

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"I've been in a rocky relationship for over half a year now. Lately I've been wondering what it is I am supposed to do. Do I stay and stick it out even though I am suffering right now because God wants us to persevere through the dark times for what is important to us? Or is the fact that I'm so unhappy lately a definite sign that I'm not on God's path for me? Nothing at all seemed odd to me but then I tell my best friend about my dilemma and she looks at me like I'm nuts to think about it that way. So I started wondering if God really does work that way. Does He have a specific plan for each of us? Or just some of us? Or is it more general like 'do good, be good, love God'? Is He really concerned about my love life? Or just the condition of my immortal soul as in I can date whoever I please so long as there is no sinning? I'd like to hear your thoughts on the matter, Sister. I feel sort of ignorant at the moment. Thanks."

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Unhappy for the entire year and a half, or just the last six months or just last couple of weeks? Unhappy because he makes you feel unsafe and unloved?

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He makes you feel unsafe. Because he's been known to fly into a rage? Or because he's never on time to pick you up from work?

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He makes you feel unloved. Because he is cold and dismissive? Or because he forgot to get you a birthday card?

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Or unhappy because he doesn't do what you think he should do? ....... He can't hold down a job? Or he doesn't pick up his socks?

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Is his nickname, "Sonny"?

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My question is: Why ask me? You should be telling "him" this stuff.

But what do I know? I'm a nun. Jesus doesn't even "wear" socks, so that's never an issue. ...

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....... I understand that this is a very "real" and a very "important" problem. I just what to explain as fully as I can why it would be "BAD" for me to try to give you dating advice. You can see how this could really go right off the rails. I could be doing you "serious harm".

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As for God's plan. .... He "does" have a plan and He does care about "every aspect of your life". Unfortunately, He doesn't mail you a copy of the plan. But that's why we have the Catholic Church! So you and God can be as close as possible.

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And His nickname isn't "Sonny".

** Priests Who Molest Children **

As a counselor who has long worked in therapy with sexual abusers, as well as survivors of sexual abuse, let me tell you in short, what I believe about "Priests Who Molest Children":

(1) Statistically, less than one percent of Catholic priests have been accused of sexual abusing children. Of that amount, only a portion of that 1% have in fact done so.

(2) Thus, more than 99% of priests have "not" sexually abused children.

(3) What is said of Catholic priests is also said of Protestant ministers. In Protestant Christian denominations a very small minority of church leaders have been accused of sexually abusing, and a lesser amount of that portion has been substantiated as valid.in such accusations.

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(4) Of the two, Catholic and Protestant, the Catholic Church especially is generally targeted as sexually abusive to children. At times in the media it is made to appear that the Catholic Church alone is plagued with problems of sexual abuse.

(5) Catholic priests are often accused to be sexual abusers, because they practice celibacy. It is purported in major media that because Catholic priests do not entertain a sexual experience in their lifestyle, their natural passions are suppressed, thus acted out in ways that are harmful to others.

(6) It is precisely "because" of both the "gift" and "sacrifice" of celibacy, that priests are chaste, and capable to perform their duties without preoccupation with personal sexual gratification.

(7) The more than 99% of priests who have "not" abused children, perform their duties amidst sadness and grief, having been falsely labelled as child abusers (or being united in service with other priests who are child abusers).

(8) It is the Catholic Church that remains united and committed, worldwide, on pro-life issues. Strongly advocating for traditional marriage and family, and against abortion, homosexuality, premarital sex and use of contraceptives.

(9) The small percentage of priests who have been proven to abuse children, are referred to as pedophiles. (Pedophilia is defined as an adult having fantasy, desire, and engaging in sexual activity with a child 13 years old or younger.)

(10) Until the mid 1980's, most professionals in the field of psychology believed and taught that sexual abusers could be rehabilitated through mental health therapy and treatment.

(11) Much hierarchy in the Catholic Church, particularly in North America, thought resorting to advice from the secular counseling community was wise on such matters as abuse to children.

(12) Cases of accused priests for alleged molestation of children were not always easy to substantiate.

(13) In most cases where possible sexual abusing priests were relocated to distant perishes after accusation of abuse, Catholic Bishops usually responded in principle to advice and general teaching of secular psychologists.

(14) The vast majority of cases where priests were in fact proven to have molested children, those cases did not include harm to young children.

(15 ) Sexual abuse by these priests were not found to have taken place against children who were "female".

(16) Sexual abuse by these priests happened against older teenagers who were "male".

(17) The proper term for these priests who have sexually acted out upon older teen aged boys is not "pedophile", but instead "homosexual".

(18) If a Catholic priest does, or ever had, heterosexual or homosexual tendencies, this is of little concern or consequence in his life, duties and service as a priest. Because a Catholic priest by pledge, definition, service and function is "celibate".

(19) Catholic priests who have transgressed sexual boundaries with anyone, including a child, is "not" a Catholic priest in that title's rightful definition. The one who claims to be a priest and has done these things, has broken the vow he made before God to be priest.

(20) A sexual abuser, by criteria and definition, chooses his or her profession, position, hobby and daily activities, to have access to those he or she wishes to sexually molest.

(21) Any Christian leader who has harmed a child in the manner described, never was a leader of a Christian church. His leadership of a church was only access to abuse, not a correct function of ministry.

(22) A priest who has abused a child never was of the Church. He is an "outsider", and in the truest sense of the term, always was. (Excommunication from the Catholic Church is a process of similar relevance, but general application remains functional for our cause here in my opinion.)

(23) For media or any other person to call a sexually abusing priest a Catholic, has scandalously misrepresented what the Catholic Church and Christianity in general stands for.

(24) Critics who are secularists and against the Church, cannot have it both ways. Which is it? ... "Does the Catholic Church stand for marriage, family, right to life and accountability to a moral God? Or does Catholicism stand for 'priests who practise their homosexuality lawlessly upon older teen aged boys'?"

(25) The answer to this final question is clear. A priest who has sexually molested a child, or anyone else for that matter, is not a priest or a representative for the Church. It is very possible he is not a Christian, thus not Catholic. This person is a "wolf in sheep's' clothing". Whatever vows this man has made while prostrate in holy ceremony before God, were instead lies and falsehood.

In conclusion to this post, consider the following scriptures, words spoken directly by the mouth of our Lord Jesus Christ Himself:

"Whoever receives one little child like this in My name receives Me. But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to sin, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe to the world because of offenses! For offenses must come, but woe to that man by whom the offense comes!" (Matthew 18:5-7)

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"Not everyone who says to Me, 'Lord, Lord,' shall enter the kingdom of heaven, but he who does the will of My Father in heaven. Many will say to Me in that day, 'Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in Your name, cast out demons in Your name, and done many wonders in Your name"' And then I will declare to them. 'I never knew you; depart from Me, you who practice lawlessness!'" (Matthew 7:21-23)

** How Bad Things Happen ("Scandal") **

No person ever just sets out in life to be "bad". A robber never robs, a killer never kills, a man or woman never insults or lies, entirely for the purpose to be "mean".

Think about it. In all of history, no human has ever harmed another human consciously, in any way, merely for the sake of inflicting pain. No, in every experience of destruction, conflict, death and heartache, there has always been a "cause" fabricated in the mind of the wrongdoer to render havoc on every level.

I mean literally, there is always a "cause".

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....

Hitler convinced an army that murdering millions and millions of innocent men, women and children, was well founded for the sake of creating a dominant "Arian Race", and his misdirected rant that the "Jews killed Jesus". Then he influenced an entire nation to take on the world, by placing Polish uniforms on German soldiers, faking an attack by Poland on Germany, thus provoking the events of World War II.

We can go on and on without end. Throughout the annals of human history. ... Cain had his cause for murdering Abel, then roamed the earth with a mark of a wrong doer. Moses had his cause for throwing down and destroying the stone tablets, and was denied for himself entrance into the long awaited Promised Land. The Pharisees had their reason for demanding the crucifixion of Christ. Yet at the moment of the crucifixion of our Lord, the earth quaked, the Temple curtain was rent from top to bottom. God wept, the angels marveled, souls were were received into heaven, and these bellowing Pharisees will forever be referred to as hypocrites, whitewashed tombs, a brood of vipers making proselytes twice as greater children of hell as themselves. (Matthew 23)

*** (Here is a photo of my son, Justin, who I love so much!!!!!)

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Yet, my point in this post is this. The reason your relationships with people are sometimes difficult and confusing, is because at times when you give thoughtful consideration to do what is right, "right" will be distorted by someone to appear "wrong", then with further manipulation by that someone, "wrong" will be made to appear "right".

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Basically, we contrive a false premise to do the wrong we do, so that while doing that wrong we can feel, even with enthusiasm, that we are right. ... Right to hate, right to judge, right to lie, right to speak badly of our parents, our neighbors, our boss, our husband, our wife ... even feeling right to kill, - when the killing is not for the sake of the helpless, but for the sake of our own selfish purposes and desires.

There is a word for this. It is the word "Scandal" (or the act of being "scandalous"). A psychology of devious manipulation. Creating conspiracy where no conspiracy exists, that silently but remarkably has serious repercussions on our homes, families and churches in the most personal of intimate relationships.

In very specific ways a husband can be scandalous to his wife, a wife can be scandalous to her husband, parents can be scandalous to their children, and children can be scandalous to their parents.

For now, let us consider the words of the Catechism of the Catholic Church:

(2284) "Scandal is an attitude or behavior which leads another to do evil. The person who gives scandal becomes his neighbor's tempter. He damages virtue and integrity; he may even draw his brother into spiritual death. Scandal is a grave offense if by deed or omission another is deliberately led into a grave offense."

(2285) "Scandal takes on a particular gravity by reason of the authority of those who cause it or the weakness of those who are scandalized. It prompted our Lord to utter this curse: 'Whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened round his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.' (Matthew 18:6) ..."

(2287) "Anyone who uses the power at his disposal in such a way that it leads others to do wrong becomes guilty of scandal and responsible for the evil that he has directly or indirectly encouraged. "Temptations to sin are sure to come; but woe to him by whom they come!" (Luke 17:1)

** Why Some People Dislike You The Same Way Always #3 **

[Consider reading first "PART 1" and "PART 2". .....
..... Now we have "PART 3" in the series.]
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(***) As a matter of illustration, notice how when a wooden ship is being built, there is careful attention to place a wooden beam through the base and center of the ship's construction. From the position of this wooden beam, all other parts are attached and built one upon another. Eventually, the vessel is completed, then placed on the ocean to float for the purpose of carrying valuable cargo and passengers.
(***) Imagine if the beam of wood, upon which all other smaller parts are attached, was instead a "bamboo shoot!" What do you imagine would happen to the ship once it is placed on ocean swirls and set stressfully in rocking motion?
(***) Yes, you're right, the ship would fall apart, then embarassingly sink in pieces to the depth of the sea! Without a reliable, sturdy object upon which to build the ship, nothing would last, and destruction would soon be the result! The same is true in human relationships, and this serves as another explanation as to why "Some People Dislike You The Same Way Always!"
(***) Remember in Part 1 and Part 2 of "Why Some People Dislike You The Same Way Always". We discussed how he who angrily criticizes with words, is guilty of the offense of which he criticizes. We saw also, that not only is the angry accuser guilty of the thing that he criticizes, but he is also "most" guilty of that offense, while the one accussed is "most innocent" of the accusation. Case after case, and situation after situation, I find this consistently to be true. Yes, we briefly consider how it is so true what Christ our Lord said at the start of the seventh chapter of the book of Matthew.
(***) However, this brings to another step of grasping further the words of the greatest psychologist that has ever lived, the Creator Himself, Jesus Christ. That is, "Why some people who dislike you, seem always to dislike you the 'SAME WAY'!"
(***) Well, it is like the ship. You know, with the "strong beam of wood" built through its center! People who criticize you judgmentally and angrily for the same thing over and over (and over, and over, and over), do so "not because you are 'WEAK' in the thing for which they criticize you, but precisely because you are 'STRONG' in the thing for which they criticize you!!!
(***) OK, I'll give you time to recover. (Get up off the floor if you fell down.) I know it must be difficult to imagine. The fact that its "shocking" and sounds "ludicrous" and all. Still, what I've said is true. Completely, an amazing amount of the time!
(***) Reveiw again, some things for which people have criticizec you rudely and uncaringly in one or two specific ways. In principle, one or two specific messages have followed you all of your life. Literally, you can choose from the following list (For someone else, the choice might be different):
1. You are irresponsible. ("I always have to tell you what to do!")
2. You will never amount to much. ("You will always be less of a person than you should be!")
3. You care only about yourself. ("You are selfish, and do not love anyone but yourself!")
4. You never listen. ("I could talk until I am "blue in the face, and you will sit there and not listen!")
5. You are stupid. You know nothing. ("Everyone else is more intelligent than you are!")
6. Nothing good comes out of your mouth. ("Everything you say is not worth hearing!")
7. You are ugly. ("Nothing about you is attractive!" ... "People are repulsed by you!")
(***) I wish to tell you that when it dawns on you that one or two of these negative messages, negative scripts, has followed you through the course of your entire life, it is in that precise negative criticism where is found your greatest strength. Yes, precisely on that specific subject exists the healthy, strong, core of your personality given to you by God.
(***) You see, the instant you feel within you the sting of pain or anger because of what someone else said against you to hurt you, you are at that moment the "beam of wood at the center of the ship". Stress in a home, business, church, family moves and targets itself at "someone to blame!" You believe the falsehood of the blame. The reason the rude criticism hurts you is because it is not true. In fact, it is the "opposite" that is true. And you've heard the same wrong message for so long all your life that, in your anger you've believed it and doubt the gifts God gave you.
(***) You might ask, "But why do some people always say this bad thing against me?" ... My answer, because what those people say bad about you says more about "them" than it does about "you". Also, your believing what they are saying is true continues to make it convenient for those people to continue to criticize you in the same way, again and again, day after day. You become those peoples' "drug", so to speak, to maintain the denial of truth they do not wish to see in themselves.
(***) In other words, while feeling ashamed and less than others, you, my friend, are the "strong beam of wood that holds the ship together!
(***) To conclude this post, let me give only one illustration to explain what I mean. Let's take the classic example of a mother standing over her son screaming at him. The young man is sitting in a chair and the mother is standing over him. She yells, "You never listen to me!" ... "I could talk to you until I'm blue in the face, and it will make no difference!" ... "You will be the death of me!" ... "It matters not what I say, with you it only 'goes-in-one-ear-and-comes-out-the-other!"
(***) I ask you, in this situation, who is not listening? Actually, it is the "mother" who is not listening. This mother at this moment is grossly at fault for not listening herself, for she cannot listen if she is constantly screaming. And as for the young man, I assure you he has the "gift" of listening. For one reason because the mother is angrily criticisizing him for not listening, in order to hide the fact that it is "she" who is not listening.
******* (Please look for the next post in this series on this important topic "WHY-SOME-PEOPLE-DISLIKE-YOU-THE-SAME-WAY-ALWAYS") *******

** How To Be A Good Counselor (101) **

(***) Good day students. Thanks for arriving on time for your class. ..... (Just kidding. ... Well, sort of.) Now, let's begin our first lesson in the course "How To Be A Good Counselor 101". Are you ready? OK, here we go. Now, listen to this. ... When counseling, pay close attention to what your clients are saying to you.
(***) Of course, we all know to do this, but I recommend you listen carefully to your client (when finally you're a therapist) while confidently figuring out "Who-Dislikes-Who-For-What-Reason-Always" (a future post).
(***) But,, before doing that, maybe you should read what this has to do with marriage, "When You Are Right And Your Spouse Is Wrong" Part 1 and Part 2.
(***) On second thought, before you do that, I think maybe it's a good idea to read "What Has Been Forgotten About Women" (At least women would appreciate you reading that one!)
(***) Oh, and while we're on the subject of "women", (A topic that can be complicated at times for us men!) consult "The Adam And Eve Syndrome (Destruction Of Marital Oneness)".
(***) Yet, now that I think about it, if any of those women we just referred to know you've read "that" post, then the secret is out, and we're in "big-trouble". That being the case, I strongly recommend, urgently, that you immediately (if not sooner) go to "What Does It Mean To Be IN Love," even if you don't read it! (At least "look" like you're reading it.).
(***) ... Oh, know! What's "wrong" with me! "If you 'pretended' at doing anything, I mean "anything", then it's a "fact" your wife knows about it!
(***) Oh, man. This is "not" good! (Women have a "sense" for that kind of thing you know!)
(***) OK. Don't panic. It'll be OK. Trust me. (I've been in your shoes before.) ... Try this. Tell your wife you "promise" you will read Husband-Wife Need for Each other. This will gain you "points" with your wife. Get-you-in-good-standing-with-her, if you knowhat I mean! (Remember, I'm a "professional.) And while you do this, for "goodness sakes"-"swear" to your wife that you "will" read "Why One Woman Is Not Enough For Some Men". ...
(***) Oh no!!! What am I saying??!!! What's gotten into me??? That's "TERRIBLE" advice!!!
(***) (Is your wife in the room, or worse, is she "reading" this?) - I hope not!!! That could be "tragic"!
(***) OK, I'm panicking, but you don't have to. (Not yet anyway.) Stop. - Let me think. ... Yes, I know. If you want out of this mess you've got yourself into, I'm afraid you have no choice but to come clean. What I mean is, get honest with this woman that is your wife!! (I know that's asking a lot, but man,"your back is against a wall here!")
(***) So, listen closely. Follow my directives precisely. Do not deviate, understand? Pay attention to every word I will now tell you, and follow it to a "tee"!!!
(***) Wait a minute. Maybe "this" will work. For better luck, have your wife "watch" you while you read something good that she's actually been trying to tell you for years (only you wouldn't listen). But to be effective, it might be smart that you not tell her that it was "me" who put you up to reading this stuff. ...
(***) You ready? ... Now, read. But smile while you do it, (as you at the same time move your lips as if articulating each sylable dramatically). How to Listen To Your Wife (For Husbands). If you're lucky, your wife will be peering tenderly over your shoulder. Maybe then your wife will notice the post next to that one, How To Make Husbands Better (For Wives).
(***) Oh. Excuse me. No, no, no, no, no...! I can't believe I just said that! We "can't" have women "making-us-men-be-better"! I'm not sure it works that way anyway. ... (Not to mention "my own kind" that I have turned against by saying this!)
(***) OK, try this. If by chance your wife "did" read that post over your shoulder (You know, the one about "fixing us men"), look her square in the face and "lie." (You heard me right, "lie" man. Lie like there's no tomorrow!) Tell this woman you married that it was "you" who thought of passing such a lovely evening, parousing together with her these precious writings on scroll designed to "enhance" your "relationship" with her romantically, - this your beautiful wife! ... You understand? ... Good. ...
(***) Now, on the count of three, while your wife's looking across the at you, move your lips where she can see them. Do so and at least "pretend" with all your might that you're reading "Vital Oneness In Marriage" and "Sex That Is Meaningful". Now if you can do "that", my friend, I guarantee you will capture your wife's attention, get you out of trouble, "and" score points with her at the same time!!! . (Unless I'm mistaken, of course, which I don't believe I am.)
(***) Oh, but one more thing. Do not (and I mean absolutely "do not") send an e-mail to my wife telling her I told you this stuff!!! Understand me? If you "do" tell my wife I said these things, I'll deny every bit of it!!! I mean it!
(***) On second thought, this whole conversation we're having is getting awfully embarrassing!!! ... I tell you what, let's just forget we even met, OK? ...
(***) I know you've got a problem with your wife now, but personally, I claim no responsibility for it. You're on your own Bud. I've got my own problems.
(***) And about the "unfinished business" you stirred up here. As far as I'm concerned, you're on your own! And if by some strange chance you sill have an inkling of desire to aide humankind by being some sort of counselor, my advice to you is "Don't". Forget the whole thing. Get a job fixing computers, being a plumber. Train dogs to "sit" or something. .....
(***) Alright, I tell you what. Just do what you want, OK? Just leave me out of it. Get it? And while you're doing that, maybe it is best we just end this class, this post, this article (whatever it is) right now. ..... However, now that I think about it, judging by the emotional "wrecks" you and I both are now, perhaps before quitting and leaving the classroom to face this confusing world, we should read together calmly One Reason For Feeling Bad, and Having A Humble Opinion Of Oneself. ...
If not, well then let's exit the building in single file.. ... See you soon for our next lesson. (Remember, ... be on time.)

(Jim Hogue has been working in the field of counseling and psychotherapy, on various levels, for a total of 27 years. Having clinically created and assisted in maintaining dual diagnosis drug treatment programs and counseling centers, he has especially applied himself professionally for clients in areas of sexual abuse trauma, marital communication and Parent/Child problem relationships. Jim is a devout Catholic, having returned to the Catholic Church after years as a Protestant minister and missionary. Some say Mr. Hogue is a gifted musician as a vocalist and guitarist, including an exhaustive repertoire of both traditional and contemporary Christian music that he leads in Catholic Church worship and Mass. He believes that much of psychology that is productive for life and personal relationships, already exists remarkably, and always has, in forms of sacraments, traditions, prayers and practices of the Roman Catholic Church. [May God bless all we Christians, both Catholic and Protestant, as we seek to be His servants.]

Other posts on http://www.catholicpsychology.blogspot.com/ at this point include: Catholic Family Systems Theory, ... Healing For Emotional Pain, ... What Catholics Believe About Marriage, ... What Does It Mean To Be "IN LOVE", ... The Psychology Of Love, ... How To Not Be Anxious, ... Husband And Wife, Love And Priority, ... Neuro-Theology And Nuns ... A Mother Ponders Her Blog Addiction ... Catholic Psychology 101, ...and ...Why Do People Criticize (Part 1) and (Part 2). [For feedback, contributions and comments please e-mail: http://www.catholicpsychology@hotmail.com/ .]

Why Some People Dislike You The Same Way Always,#2

This is the hillside upon which Jesus Christ gave His "Sermon On The Mount" to a large multitude of men, women and children almost two thousand years ago. In the last post, we mentioned a portion of our Lord's words from that sermon.

"Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgment you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye?" (Matthew 7:1-3)


Let's look closely at these words of Jesus, for there has never been a psychologist like Him. In His words our Lord states a principle of life. To the multitude He instructs that there are those of the multitude who inappropriately judge and criticize others, looking at the "speck" in their brother's eye, while ignoring the "plank" in their own eye!

Now, are we to suppose that from within this large gathering were the only people who arrogantly judged and criticized this way? Of course not. Jesus told the people, thus tells us today, that this "speck and plank psychology" emanates potentially from the sinful hearts of all we who walk the earth.

In psychoanalytic terms, the phenomena is referred to as "Negative Projection". What Sigmund Freud called an "Ego Defense Mechanism". Something of a natural human psyche "reflex action". Defined more specifically as a projecting and amplifying upon someone innocent, a fault that is in the one projecting, in order to avoid seeing that fault that is in the one projecting. (Like light beaming through movie film, projecting and reflecting upon a theater cinema screen.)

The point is, heartless criticism, cruel judgements, callous blaming, gossip and a sharp tongue in negative thought and speech, are always done, sadly, at someone else's expense. And when so done, it subverts and distracts in order to ignore and draw attention away from that very thing that is wrong in ourselves.

Christ had strong words against this. He didn't only call it some simple "mental-process-of-assimilating-thought" that an accusing negative thinker needs to improve upon when it is convenient. No, Jesus, being God personified, used harsh words for those who persist in such behavior. Why is this? Because people accusing wrongly, accuse falsely the innocent. But even more, they accuse "most falsely" the "most innocent", with use of the very thing for which "they themselves" are guilty.

And this principle surrounds us in the world today on many levels and in many places. In our personal interactions with others, and in a myriad of human institutions.

(Future blogs on "Why Some People Dislike You The Same Way Always", will develop further how this has personal application in our lives, and what to we can do about it. ... This particular post was more an establishing of a basis further for the thesis written in "Part 1". I decided to do this in response to comments received in "Part 1". ... Your attention and patience is appreciated.)

[Feel free to offer your thoughts or comments by contacting: http://www.catholicpsychology.blogspot.com/ .]

Why Some People Dislike You The Same Way Always,#1

(***) What I'm referring to began with you when you were little. Already by then God had placed in your little heart, your DNA, strengths and talents. Already the loving Almighty had sculptured the basis to your personality and predestined gifts. But not everyone recognizes what is good about you. Not everyone appreciates your talents, your strengths. Regardless of what you do, or how hard you try, there will always be people who will ignore the good in you, and set out to convince you of what they insist is bad inside you.

(***) Sometimes it is family who does this. Sometimes not. Occasionally it's a friend who "stabs you in the back", then make it look like it's your fault while people race to take sides. Or maybe it's someone you thought was your friend. It can happen in your home, school or church. Anywhere. Painful criticism that is unwarranted and for subverted purposes, can happen when you least expect it, or can always happen and you know it's always present.

(***) Why does this happen? Cruel words. And practically the same stinging judgments that follow you where ever you go for a lifetime! It's like someone can walk into a room of ten people, and out of the ten, it will be "you" and "you alone" who will be criticized for an alleged, specific failing, always!

(***) I remember when I was very young. I actually considered that maybe all of the people in my life had somehow gathered in a room behind my back and held a meeting. There all the children and adults who knew me must have decided how I was bad in one certain way, and they would all at various times of my life make sure I knew it! ... After a while I concluded it could not be. If all those people had ever met to talk about me in that way, some of those people would have had to have driven for great distances, and some how I would have found out about it!

(***) Yet, to accurately understand "why-some-people-dislike-you-the-same-way-always", you must first understand the "reason" people, who are some, say they dislike you. At first you might think these people criticize you because there are legitimate reasons for which you should be criticized. And you might think further that if there are legitimate reasons for some people to dislike you, then perhaps those people accurately select the thing for which you should to be criticized!

(***) If you believe this, you are absolutely incorrect. It turns out that the reason people criticize you, judge you, gossip and blame you unkindly on a particular matter, has nothing to do with you being wrong about anything, but you being right and "they" being wrong about everything.

(***) It's amazing how this works. A wire or battery never reveals the presence of electricity, unless first either conduit supports a positive and a negative. Then instantly, and only in that instant, the positive and the negative electrodes connect and there is powerful sparks that can cause great pain!

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"The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it? I, the Lord, search the heart, I test the mind, even to give every man according to his ways, according to the fruit of his doings." (Jeremiah 17:19-20)

*****

"Judge not, that you be not judged. For with what judgement you judge, you will be judged; and with the measure you use, it will be measured back to you. And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:1-5)

*****

Several future posts are planned as sequels for this important topic of ..... "Why Some People Dislike You The Same Way Always". Your responses by e-mail in the form of comments, contributions, challenges or appreciation will be valued. Feel free to contact Jim Hogue at: http://www.catholicpsychology@hotmail.com/ .

One Reason For Feeling Bad

There are times we feel bad, simply put. Someone said something unkind and we are hurt. A friend or loved one is in trouble. The problems in the world seem too big. Or we seem depressed, overwelmed, angry or doubtful about what we can do in a difficult situation. At these times we ask ourselves what are we to do.

But what if each emotional discomfort in the deep privacy of our hearts, are in fact signals, even requests by God for us to pray for the person or situation that currently perplexes us? The truth is, as a Christian, if you immediately pray to completion regarding each discomfort of heart, soon you will find remarkable peace! ... Try it for one day, one week . See for yourself if what I am telling you is true.

Actually, those are the prayers that have the greatest meaning and are listened to tenderly by God. I mean the prayers from people who are made "uncomfortable", but yet pray promptly for those who have done wrong. It is the very core of Christ's message to us.

Do you see what seems to be an impossible situation? Are there people in your life who are cruel and completely unreasonable? Does it seem impossible that God could ever touch the lives of these people and change them? Have the activities of these situations effected you personally in ways that have brought you pain? Then you more than anyone will have great power in prayer. God will send a host of mighty angels to do what man cannot. All this, because you sought in an instant the power and might of God to pray the instant you were wronged or made to feel helpless. This is truly a glorious psychology. Without doubt, your life, and the lives of others, will be changed by it.

"Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me. Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you." (Matthew 5:11, NIV)

"The prayer of a righteous man is powerful and effective." (James 5:16, NIV)

Why One Woman Is Not Enough For Some Men

For the woman who reads this, you must understand that God made you beautiful. For the man who reads this, if you're a husband, you could spend all your life, yet never discover all the loveliness that is in your wife.

That's how God made us. The truth of what I'm saying here, the depth of it, has too much been forgotten.

Each solitary woman is a "galaxy" of experience, of stars, planets and heavenly bodies, waiting to be appreciated and cherished by the man who will love her. Only in that way is a man fulfilled, who's vocation it is to be a husband.

But, "Why is one woman not enough for some men?" The core reason is simple. Its because some men believe God is not as great as He says He is. As Adam used Eve to be God in the place of God, so these men believe God is not capable of placing in one woman, in one woman alone, all that a man could ever need.

When a man is not satisfied with one woman (As some men go from one woman to the next), the problem is not the women, but that man's relationship with his Creator.

All the man need do is look up to the heavens. As telescopes peer through the area within the small constellation of the Big Dipper alone, astronomers project their telescopes further beyond and literally count more than one million galaxies in that comparably small portion of the universe. Our sun is itself a star, a thermo-nuclear device ten thousand times the size of the earth. As each galaxy contains "billions" of these suns (or stars), the estimate in number of galaxies known to exists in the cosmos is estimated in the untold "billions"!

The colors in each galaxy is magnificent. The stars, the planets, the moons, the comets all rotate in intricate detail. Yet, any man knows, who has truly loved a good woman, her riches surpass the magnificence of any galaxy.

Check the math. Numerically, statistically, God has placed in the heavens, not a star, but an entire galaxy for every woman; each woman who has ever walked on earthly soil. Since our God made the galaxies, and holds them in there place with all their splendor and glory, has He not as well contained in each woman all that each man could ever want or desire for his basic human need? Oh, yes! For when a man, a husband, purposes intentionally to direct all his hopes, his fantasies, his dreams and his happiness in one woman, that woman will not only fulfill his visions of joy, but she will be free (more free), to open his eyes, his mind and his heart to more satisfaction, rest and wholeness than he ever thought possible.

Drink water from your own cistern, and running water from your own well. Should your fountains be dispersed abroad, streams of water in the streets? Let them be only your own, and not for strangers with you. Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love. For why should you, my son, be enraptured by an immoral woman, and be embraced in the arms of a seductress.

For the ways of man are before the eyes of the Lord, and He ponders all his paths. His own iniquities entrap the wicked man, and he is caught in the cords of his sin. He shall die for lack of instruction, and in the greatness of his folly he shall go astray.

(Proverbs 5:15-23)

What Has Been Forgotten About Women

There is something forgotten about women. The thing forgotten about women, by not remembering, renders all chaos as ripples atop a country pond. ... No, I think as tsunamis upon all oceans. ... Societal suicide.

What we've forgotten about women, every woman, is anatomy, physiology, bodies formed and carried sacred, precious. Where inside beautiful sculptured bone, flesh, reside precise location, somewhere, a holy sanctuary, a divine tabernacle, where silently the miraculous hand of God reaches down from heaven, on cue, forming tenderly, delicately, bodies and breathing lives of our sons and daughters. Positioned. God. His Holy Spirit. Not for one moment, but for nine months. No, a lifetime, creating.
From here, somewhere in woman they spawn, our children, ourselves.. Mirrors of God's unique image. The angels marvel. Now and for eternity.

Before the burning bush, Moses removed his sandals by command of deity. While there in fire God spoke gently.

Yet, increasingly it seems, we, descendants of Adam, gravitate a million ways, for a million reasons, to this holy place among us. That is, to women, - to ravage, to rape, to use, abuse, forget, roll over to sleep, ... women, to market, to cheapen.

But what is holy in men, except that we approach with kindness, appreciation, reverence, that which is holy in women, then guard carefully, and teach others the same ... ?

God said it is not good for man to live alone, so He made for man a helpmeet. What God makes, He makes perfect. What God says is so, is so always. If women have failing; if wives, mothers, daughters, sisters and grandmothers have sin; the sin seems always the act of succumbing to the instinct to give men and boys exactly what they ask for. When to give them what they ask for, turns those men and boys into selfish beasts. Or if not beasts, then something of the same in lessor measure.

Hereby we set women up to forget the holiness inside them. When they do, humanity loses.

PORNOGRAPHY

In the 1970's, a federal study valued all hard-core pornography at ten million dollars. Today, the most common estimate of annual revenues are at ten "billion" dollars, or equivalent to the 2005 gross domestic product of Ghana. "You could say the culture of pornography has leaked into our lives, but it's more like a flood." said Julie Hanus in her article "The XXX Factor" (UTNE magazine, 2006) "Even as we attempt to delineate our relationships to modern pornography, the line between what is and is not pornographic is eroding, making the task daunting." ... "You could say the culture of pornography has leaked into our lives, but it's more like a flood."

What is frightening, is the availability of internet porn. At the 2003 meeting of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, some two-thirds attending said the internet played a significant role in divorces that year, pointing a finger at online pornography. Yet, "seven or eight years ago pornography had an almost nonexistent role in divorce.", reports author journalist Pamela Paul in "Time" magazine (January 19, 2004).

And what about our children? In 2001, a study by the Kaiser Family Foundation, an independent national health organization, found that 70 percent of 15 to17 year olds admitted to stumbling upon pornography online, and 23 percent of them said it happens often.

But then there's the tragedy, continued trauma to both the one watched and the one watching. "Harm is being done to all our fragile sexual selves, which may be incapable of withstanding the relentless assaults of a multi-billion-dollar industry whose principle effect is to make a mess of our relationships." ("Damage On Parade" by Charles Foran, UTNE magazine, 2006)

Martin Amis calls it "the obscenification of every day life". Ariel Levy, author of the book "Chauvinist Pigs: Women and the Rise of Raunch Culture" (Free Press, 2005), says this "Raunch Culture" may be hardest on adolescent girls. Blitzed with images of how to be "hot, young women, already prone to insecurities, have a difficult time distinguishing the fake from the real."

Pamela Paul, when interviewing American men and boys, learned how "obsessive porn surfing wreaks havoc on their conceptions of women and sexuality. "They become impatient with their real-life partners and numb to the pleasures of conventional sex. Pornography leaves men desensitized both to outrage and to excitement, leading to dissatisfaction with the emotional tugs of their own lives."

And again, there "is" great harm to those who are "pornified". In a study by Ms. Paul conducted in 1998, it was determined that "two-thirds of prostitutes suffer from symptoms identical to those of posttraumatic stress disorder - twice the percentage that was found among American soldiers returning from the war in Vietnam." She goes on, "There is something twisted about using a predominantly sexually traumatized group of people as our erotic role models. It's like using a bunch of shark attack victims as our lifeguards." ... "... people getting off on the acts of those who are themselves traumatized and are being traumatized by what they are doing." ... " ... Pornography may be stalking one emotion more than any other. That would be the shared feelings we have for fellow humans, along with the inclination to recognize kindred suffering, and even lend aid. ... ."

Pornography might well become the death of empathy ....

The Adam And Eve Syndrom (Destruction Of Marital Oneness)

When God made Adam and Eve, they were One. Eve was made from Adam's rib. In their original relationship they were not self-conscious of their bodies, and they had all they needed. Together they "walked with God in the cool of the day." But of course, there was one thing God told Adam and Eve not to do. They were not to eat of the "fruit of the knowledge of good and evil."

Then one day Satan appeared as a serpent to Eve. Basically he said to her, "Eve, God does not want you to eat of the fruit of this tree, because He knows the day you eat of this fruit, you will be like Him, knowing good and evil!"

Now, the serpent was very beautiful, and this had an influence on Eve. After that , Eve took of the fruit, then brought the forbidden fruit to Adam. Adam ate of the fruit also, as together they both realized they were naked in their self-consciousness and shame.

Later, God came walking in the garden and He called for Adam and Eve who then hid from Him. It was discovered that the two had taken fig leaves to cover their nakedness. God then asked of them, "Did you eat of the fruit that I told you not to eat?" At which point Adam responded, "It was the woman you gave me that gave me of the fruit and I did eat!"

In that instant, something specific separated Adam and Eve from their close relationship with God. And that separation from God, thus each other, remains a problem to this day for we who are the descendants of our first father and mother in the flesh. Before their sin, Adam and Eve were naked, but felt no shame. After the sin, they saw their nakedness, and tried to cover their shame with fig leaves.

Let's put it this way. ... If Adam had only told Eve after she had eaten of the fruit: "Honey," ... "No," ... "Remember what God said." ... "He told us we could eat of all the fruit in the garden, but not the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil." ... "Now, Eve, you go put the fruit back, and everything will be OK!" ... "I know you were deceived by the beautiful serpent, but I will protect you by not eating of the fruit myself!"

If Adam had done this, he would have had a moral authority to lovingly stand before God without shame on Eve's behalf. If Adam had not eaten of the fruit, but had instead spoken to God justly on behalf of both of them, God would have helped the two grow by the experience, and they would have both stayed in Eden in continued, close relationship with Him.

But remember, it was to "Adam" that God had originally given the command, "Do not eat this fruit or you will surely die. ...". And it was "Adam" who was not deceived at the time he ate of the fruit. This means that in the instant Adam said to God, "The woman You gave me, gave me of the fruit and I did eat." Adam was clear in his mind as he attempted to convince God that Eve was the one who was to blame for the sin, and that he was innocent!

In this Blog, Catholic Psychology, we will take strides, step by step, to articulate details of sound emotional and spiritual psychology for the sake of our own personal relationships today. To begin this endeavor, although there are many areas from which one could begin, our starting point will be that of addressing contributions of the first male, Adam, to the diseased, sad, painful, "psychology" passed down to the human race from the act of sin. The reactions of Eve to Adam in her dysfunctional responses of sin will follow, and we will unfold personal application to our own lives in the present.


Notice The Progression Of Events Regarding Eve:

(1) Eve was deceived when she ate of the fruit. She ate the fruit without forethought. It was done by her on impulse. She was influenced by the beauty and enticing words of the serpent.

(2) When God said to her, "Did you eat of the fruit that I told you not to eat?" Eve's answer was honest and truthful: "I was deceived by the serpent, and I did eat!"

(3) No words in the Genesis account suggests at the time that Eve blamed her husband in order to appear innocent.


In Contrast, Notice The Progression Of Events Regarding Adam:

(1) Adam was "not" deceived at the moment that he ate of the fruit. He was clear in his mind with genius intellect, and understood with forethought what he was doing when he ate the forbidden fruit.

(2) When God finally asked Adam, "Did you eat of the fruit I told you not to eat?" Adam's reply was dishonest. A statement that concealed his personal responsibility was: "It was the woman You gave me, that gave of the fruit, and I did eat!"

(3) At the time of his misdeed, Adam, clearly realized the vulnerable position of his wife. Still he chose not to lovingly advocate for her before God. Instead Adam took advantage of Eve's vulnerable position by eating of the fruit by her hand, then blamed her, his wife, as he claimed innocense at her expense before God.


This, only a beginning of a Catholic Psychology, sounds as a siren to what has happened ever since our first parents, from generation to generation, and the siren of facts continue to this day.

"That as Adam used Eve in his calculated rebellion against God, so also do men in sin today use women in their current rebellion against God." ... "Then, as Eve was deceived, so women today are deceived, responding sinfully to the sinful use they experience by men in sin."

In only one scenario that is lived day after day, a man promises a woman love. Only later the woman discovers that the love that was promised was not love, but instead, the experience of being "used". In pain and disappointment, in the end, the woman has nothing to hold on to but her anger of the man who promised her love, but left her abandoned, cold and lonely.

Finally some women cheapen themselves, thinking it is what men want. While deep down the hearts of these women silently cry for what they really were made for: Love, Respect and Basic Appreciation.

Then other women become the "men" in their homes. These women try being "men" in their homes, because the men in their homes have either left, or refuse to stand up as "real men", and love their women and children in those homes the way God made them to be loved by men.

Obviously, we have more to discuss later regarding Catholic Psychology. Post by post. Your comments, contributions, even challenges will be considered. However, through God, the Holy Trinity, the Bible, the Family of the Church, the Sacred Sacraments, and much more, there is a Spirituality, a Psychology, of gentle guidance and healing. May God be with us in this journey of learning and personal application through the Holy Spirit.

To end at this time, however, consider the following from the Roman Catholic Catechism:

1610 ... the law given to Moses aims at protecting the wife from arbitrary domination by the husband, even though according to the Lord's words it still carries traces of man's "hardness of heart" which was the reason Moses permitted men to divorce their wives.101

1611 Seeing God's covenant with Israel in the image of exclusive and faithful married love, the prophets prepared the Chosen People's conscience for a deepened understanding of the unity and indissolubility of marriage.102 The books of Ruth and Tobit bear moving witness to an elevated sense of marriage and to the fidelity and tenderness of spouses. Tradition has always seen in the Song of Solomon a unique expression of human love, insofar as it is a reflection of God's love - a love "strong as death" that "many waters cannot quench."103

When You Are Right And Your Spouse Is Wrong (Part 2)

Yes, and so it is. When you are right and your spouse is wrong, any time, there remains the option for you to be right the "right way", not be right the "wrong way". (See previous post.) By being right the "right way", you respond to injustice or falsehood with dignity, not give up your dignity and bring you both down.

In a moment, a moment when you are right and your spouse is wrong, you are the "anchor" for the relationship, the marriage. You are the one, between the two of you, who God has in that moment handed personal responsibility and moral authority to, by your very position of being the one right, and your spouse being the one wrong. Thus you are required to lead the two of you in that morality given you that was handed you with calmness, understanding and patience.

You must allow your spouse to be wrong at times.

A different way of thinking says, "But if I keep letting him do this, he or she will never change!"

But have you ever stopped to ask yourself "Why does my loved one keep doing the same thing that's wrong over and over?

Well, it is psychologically relevant that you consider that when a person in your family keeps being wrong the same way over and over, and you can't seem to make the wrong behavior stop, it is possible that your family member "needs" to be wrong because "being wrong" is the first step to "being right" and "facilitating change!"

Yet you might reply, "But I have "told" him and I have "told" him over and over. Still he will not listen to me!!!" ... "I could talk until I'm ‘blue in the face', but it accomplishes nothing!!!"

Well, this is a critical question isn't it, "When you were right in what you said to him, did you say what was right in anger or impatience? Has there ever been rage, threats or insults from you on this precise wrong he or she keeps doing? If so, then perhaps your being right the wrong way, is what stands in the path of your husband or wife proceeding in the process of making that wrong behavior better.

You see, people do not like being "told" what to do. We humans are so tempted to do the "opposite" of what we're told, when what we're told (although right) is said in anger, rage, impatience and threats.

Even Christ did not force His will on people. But He was patient and kind.

"But my husband was impatient with me first!" you say ... "But my wife seems so cold and angry, what else am I to do but defend myself and insist I'm right??!!!"

That's the central point isn't it. "What to do when the other person is wrong first."

Well, in the Sermon On the Mount Christ said:

"... if you bring your gift to the altar, and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar, and go your way. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift." (Matthew 5:23-24)

What is amazing this is what Christ "didn't" say. He "didn't say" to leave your gift at the altar, then go reconcile "if what your brother has against you is relevant, "makes sense" or is "correct" in having something against you."

You see, "Love... suffers long and is kind, ... does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil, ... bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never fails." (I Corinthians: 4, 5, 7, 8 (a))

Yet, you might say, "But my husband (or wife) was impatient with me first!" ... "Does this mean he (she) does not love me????"

Absolutely not. When your husband or wife is wrong in something, that only means he or she is weak, "Not That He Or She Does Not Love You!!!. Be it a reaction, a word, an action, a decision ... your husband or wife is the one between the two of you who is at that time most "weak", that is all. ..... Let it happen. ..... It is necessary. And don't worry, there will be your turn to be the one weak, thus wrong. You will need the strength reciprocated in the marriage.

Your spouse needs to be wrong sometimes. (And I mean husband "and" wife.) When it happens (and it will), don't worry, it will be your turn to be wrong and weak another time. For now though, be right graciously.

Remember, in marriage, the two of you are ONE. Nothing has really happened BAD until "both" of you act badly. Too easily, however, negativity can escalate, then the two in marital bond can spiral downward.

It is only in responding correctly, thus patiently, that your being "right" brings balance, even veneration, to your mate's experience of wrong. For just as it takes "two" to argue, it especially takes "two" to "continue" the argument. Thus one can choose, while being right, to be right calmly.

You cannot be your spouse's conscience. As you try to be his (or her) conscience, you will actually accomplish the opposite. Remember, he or she must be wrong first, in simple or big things, before being right through hearing the small, still voice of God.


"Father, grant me the peace and strength to be the one who is strong and gracious if I must in my marriage today. Remind me in your mercy, that I will often need such kindness as well."

When You Are Right, And Your Spouse Is Wrong

"There is more hunger for love and appreciation in this world than for bread."

Mother Teresa of Calcutta (Albanian born Indian Missionary and Founder of the Order of the Missionaries of Charity. Nobel Prize for Peace in 1979. 1910-1997)

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No, really, I'm not joking. "What about the times you are 'right", and your husband or wife is 'wrong'?" It "does" happen you know. Let's admit that. Sometimes you are right and the one you are married to is wrong. Maybe "too" often, and "too" wrong. Or so it seems. Honestly, it seems that way. Right??!!!

After reading WHAT CATHOLICS BELIEVE (PART ONE), you see that everything that's basic to Christian marriage is spelled out remarkably in the Catholic Catechism ("Part Two" is coming soon). However, there's another step in our process of assimulating truth which can be referred to as Catholic Psychology. That is: "When you are 'right' and the other person is 'wrong', if your response to that other person's 'wrong' is 'also wrong', then you are no longer 'right', but you have become 'more wrong' than the 'wrong' the other person was 'wrong' with, because you used the position of being 'right" to get there!"

"Remember, when our Lord was in the flesh on earth, He was continually merciful, understanding and forgiving to "everyone", but not with the "Scribes and Pharisees" who used their position and knowledge of being "right", to make themselves appear better than others while they did so in sarcasm impatience and anger. ... And wow, was Christ ever angry with them!!!!!

You see, when you as a husband or wife are "right", and your husband or wife is "wrong", how do you think you arrived to being "right" in the first place??? Do you think your "being right" comes from your own superior skill of reasoning?"

No. ... Do not be mistaken. ... If you are "right" and your husband or wife is "wrong", you are in the position of being "right" because "being right" was given to you by God. He chose "you" to be the one who would be "right" this time. And it is "He" who makes you and the one you love ONE, and continues to do so as He promised!

How otherwise will a marriage grow in understanding and loving service to our Lord? The only way a marriage can survive and flourish in this world of confusion, is that when one of the two in the marriage is "wrong", the other is not only "right", but "stays right".

You see, it is "inevitable" that in the experiences of home life, wrong words will be said, wrong actions will be taken. It is absloutely certain that in instances, wrong feelings will be felt, and wrong thoughts will be thought. But you and the person you married are "ONE", not "Two". So how does "one" that once was "two" grow and become more than they ever would have been alone???!!!

Well, not to be silly here, but it is as if the two of you will practically "take turns being wrong!" And you will each be wrong in ways each will not recognize in the moment, accept by the help of the other (and by God).

Admit it, you are "both" wrong through various times of day and night, and then, when you insist you are "right", that is when you are the "most wrong", because your being "right" is done in "anger" and "self-righteousness" (The very things Christ hates).

See clearly, isn't it sometimes the case that a husband is strong and the wife is weak? Aren't there occasions when the wife is strong and the husband is weak? Then surely you do not believe you are strong "all" the time, and the one you are ONE with is weak "continuously!!!" ... No, first one will be "weak", and thus wrong", then the other will be "strong, and thus right". This deep marital experience, our vocation to God, will manifest into a host of varitable patterns, and that, because the two human-beings of opposite genders are no longer "two" but "ONE!"

As the apostle Paul wrote:

"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." (Ephesians: 6:12)

There are pressures, tensions, responsibilities, temptations and misunderstandings that are common to marriage, but are not entirely common in singleness. When you are married with the potential of bringing offspring of souls into the world to be children of God for all of eternity, there are entities and powers greater than mere psychology or what you "think", that wish to destroy you and your sacred marital bond.

More about this later, but for now I ask you, "How can your husband or wife recover from the traumatic, complicated, physically exhausting experience of being wrong (on any level), if you insist on making that situation an opportunity to prove that you are 'more right'?"

Say what you have to say, then say no more. Don't make things worse than it already is. God is ONE with the two of you. Because of that marital trinity (God, husband, wife), then this person you share marital vows with will change something that is necessary to change, because after making your statement, you then step back so God can speak and the other can hear God speak without distraction.