Building Emotional Walls

Once upon a time there was a family who lived in a beautiful house. The family had lots of the material things that many people think are important for contentment. The family, however, was not contented. With one misunderstanding and another, the situation grew worse and worse. Nobody would give way an inch in their bitter arguments, until at last the family's love turned to hate. Finally certain ones in the family insisted that inside the house they would build brick walls to divide other family members. Each went his and her own way, and each never spoke to the others again as long as they lived. The family had many wretched years in their isolation.

Today's Reminder
Am I unknowingly building walls between myself and the people in my family? Are the walls being made of stubbornness, self-will, self-righteousness and a desire to punish? Such walls can be as hard and unyielding as though they were made of real bricks. It would leave me no space in which to grow.

"God grant me the wisdom to recognize the faults I am building into walls, such walls as cannot be penetrated even by love."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

The Role of Father in Raising Children

A father must “come between” a mother and her child to sever the child’s natural bond of dependence on the mother and to lead the child out into the world so that the child can develop his or her talents and take up a meaningful, productive life of honesty and integrity.

All of us have experienced the delight of being fed and protected when we were helpless infants. In fact, if we don’t experience it, we die. And the delight of this early infantile experience, which makes no demands on us and leaves us free simply to enjoy it, is at the root of our adult yearnings for a “utopia” in which all of our needs are taken care of effortlessly.

But to function responsibly as an adult, a child must pass beyond this care-free infantile state of dependence. If this task fails, the child will remain neurotically dependent on maternal protection and will be afflicted with doubts and anxieties about assuming personal responsibility in the world. Moreover, the child’s talents will either remain buried in fear or will be expressed largely through an unconscious grandiosity. And, in its most severe manifestations, alcoholism and drug addictions can develop in adolescence and adulthood, because all addictions have their roots in a desire to escape the demands of personal responsibilities and return to an idyllic feeling of care-free bliss.

A child, therefore, has three essential tasks which must be accomplished under the guidance of a father.

1. To learn how the world works.
The father must teach the child not only about the abstract—and often dangerous—dynamics of social relationships beyond the family itself but must also provide instruction in the practical rules governing the physical world, including honest, productive work in the world.

Imagine a primitive society of forest dwellers. To teach the child how the world “works,” the father must take the child out into the depths of the forest and show the child how to survive and eat by using weapons, building fires, and making shelters. Now, the modern world may not be a forest anymore—though it is often enough called a jungle—yet the forest metaphor aptly describes the process by which a father must teach a child “how the world works.”

2. To learn to trust.

Yes, a child will more-or-less “trust” a nurturing mother. This sort of trust, though, is a necessary part of mother-infant bonding for the sake of the infant’s physical survival.

Real trust requires that the child grow to depend on and respect the father, a person different from the mother from whom the child originated; that is, the father is a different body and a different gender from the mother. The father—and only a father—can therefore teach the child to enter the world and encounter difference confidently. But, to be a successful teacher, the father must teach this from the place of his own faith and obedience. In other words, the father must live from his heart by the rules he teaches to his children. In this way the children can learn to trust him through his own integrity. Otherwise, the children will see him for a hypocrite and will disavow—openly or secretly—everything he represents.

3. To learn to trust oneself.

As a child receives instruction from a trustworthy father and develops a sense of confidence under the father’s compassionate guidance, the child will then be able to function more and more independently, assimilating the father’s external guidance into an internal, psychological confidence.

First the father builds a fire, saying to the child, “Watch me.” Then the father encourages the child to build the fire. Finally the child goes off into the forest alone, and builds a fire on his own, confident in what he learned from his father.

*Lack*

Now, considering all of this about the role of a father, look about you and see how many fathers fail miserably in their responsibilities. How many fathers are absent from the family because they were nothing more than sperm donors in a moment of lust? How many fathers are absent from the family because of divorce? How many fathers are absent from the family because their adultery draws them away to another woman? How many fathers are absent from the family because they are emotionally insensitive to their children’s needs? How many fathers are absent from the family because they are preoccupied with work or sports? How many fathers are absent from the family because they are preoccupied with their own pride and arrogance? How many fathers are absent from the family because of alcoholism? How many fathers are absent from the family because of illness? How many fathers are absent from the family because a woman decided she didn’t need a man to have a child? It can go on and on. And it does.

And the sad thing is that when a father is absent—whether physically or emotionally—his lack causes a lack in the children. Lacking understanding of how the world works, lacking trust in others, and lacking trust in themselves, children—whether they be boys or girls—become lost, insecure, and confused. They lack confidence. They lack real faith. They lack a spiritually meaningful future. They lack life. All because their fathers were lacking.

Please note, though, that all of this lack resulting from the lack of a father is, in many cases, largely unconscious.

Yes, some persons are truly crippled—both emotionally and socially—by the lack of a father, and their lives become dysfunctional and stuck.

But other persons are able to keep up a surface appearance of functionality; they hold jobs, they get married, and they have children. Yet under the surface of normality a deep secret of anger and victimization is buried. Here are the dark roots of symptom after symptom of secret resentment for the father. Argumentativeness. Passive-aggression. Suspiciousness. Trying to make others “face the truth.” Being late for appointments. Procrastination. Learning disorders. Difficulty following directions or reading maps. Getting lost. Mental confusion at just the times when clarity of thought is needed. And all addictions—not just drug and alcohol addiction, but also obesity, cigarette smoking, and pornography. This list can go on and on. And it does. All because a father, in his physical, emotional, or spiritual absence, failed to instill in a child a sense of inner stability, trust, and confidence.

(This article is again a work of Dr. Raymond Lloyd Richmond.
For this and other writings by him, go to The Role Of Father .)

Depression & Suicide

He was about 7 years old. It was after dinner, and the evening sun of midsummer still hung low in the sky. Suddenly, he ran into the house and threw himself onto his bed, crying, saying, over and over through his tears, “I wish I were dead.”

Dr. Raymond Lloyd Richmond continues to write: ... As I look back on this event, I can now also recall the rest of the story. My mother had denied me something I wanted (though what it was is long forgotten), I felt unrecognized and unloved, and I was angry at her. In my mind, I began to wish she were dead—but only for a split second, because on the edge of consciousness it occurred to me that if she were to die, I would have no mother and that I would be left all alone in the world with no one to take care of me. So my mind quickly turned away from that wish for her death, with all of it’s lonely implications, and, feeling quite guilty about the whole thing, I began to wish for my own death. After all, what kind of a person could be so dependent on someone else, so helpless and afraid? A no good piece of nothing, that’s who, and he deserves to die.

In psychological terms, I repressed my anger for my mother and ended up turning my frustration against myself. The proverb “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” sums this up nicely. It’s a terrible bind for a child. And, if it happens often enough, it can prevent the child from being able to express emotions appropriately—because with every angry thought comes the fear of losing someone’s love or protection.

In my own life, beginning with my psychoanalysis as a student, I have had to come to terms with this event and how it has affected my life. I, like many of my own patients, have been forced as an adult to learn how to come to terms honestly with feelings of insult and hurt.

Now, the fleeting suicidal fantasy that I encountered in that moment of childhood frustration was not a clinical case of suicidal depression. Nevertheless, in my professional experience I have seen the dynamic of suppressed anger as a major motive behind clinical depression, and ultimately, as the unconscious motive for serious suicidal thoughts. Someone close to you hurts you, and “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” kicks in from childhood. Fearing the loss of that person’s love, you keep silent about your feelings and ultimately—as a way to escape the guilt of your dependency—you begin wishing for your own destruction. (Which, as an adult, you actually have the power to bring about.)

But there is one other element to the process.

It isn’t just that a person fails to communicate with others honestly. If you are hurt often enough, in keeping silent about it, and in feeling guilty about being so dependent on someone’s love, you can begin to believe not just that you are unloved but that you are despised. If you ever reach this point you then seemingly become a “partner” in your own destruction.

In fact, some persons will even kill themselves to avoid admitting that their parents did not love them—that is, that the parents did not acknowledge the child’s individual needs with true love.

Has anyone ever pushed you away when you wanted to be held? Has anyone ever given more attention to a bottle of alcohol than to you? Has anyone ever laughed at you when you were hurt? Has anyone ever told you that you were too dumb to succeed? Has anyone ever refused you help when you asked for it? Do you get the idea? No one may have actually told you to kill yourself, but all these sorts of behavioral cues give a clear impression: “You are of no importance to me.” “I have no concern for you.” “You’re not special.” “You don’t deserve to be alive.” “You are garbage.”

So, to the “Other,” you (and all of us, for that matter) are just an object to be manipulated to satisfy someone else. It’s a losing game to try to make the “Other” love you. It’s a losing game to make the “Other” say you’re special. Sure, you can try to do all the right things, like drink the right brand of cola, eat at the right fast-food place, wear the right jeans, expose all the right pieces of flesh, pierce and tattoo yourself in the right places, use the right lingo, work for the right company—but once you slip up, then it’s the garbage can for you.

Thus you can “tune in” to the resentment of others subliminally, and, if you’re not psychologically aware, you can come to believe that these perceptions you receive from others are truth and reality about your personal value—or lack of it.

I’m not trying to tell you here that no one feels affection for you. You can argue all you want that your mother and father care about you somehow, and I won’t object, because on some level they do care about you. The real point is that many persons who claim to care about you also give indications, through behaviors and things they say and think, that their affection for you is mixed with resentment. Thus, instead of teaching you how to love by the example of true love, they “infect” you emotionally with a fear of love. It’s not pretty to see this directly, so that’s why you have defenses that blind you to it. But it’s real. At the core, that’s where suicidal feelings originate. Not that anyone is necessarily literally wishing you to die, but that the feeling of resentment that they project can get so strong that you end up feeling like garbage. And from there it is only one small step to make yourself garbage.

So, once your psychotherapy drags you through the pain of this realization about human nature—and you accept it all without defense and resistance—you will then have the strength to “see through” the illusions of the “Other” and claim your own right to exist.

(For the above quote, go to Depression And Suicide by Dr. Raymond Lloyd Richmond.)

Parent Digest (a Blog also by Jim Hogue)

This is to introduce another one of my blogs: PARENT DIGEST .

I have worked for years with teens and children with problem behaviors and/ or users of drugs. The following is a growing list of videos that are available as a portion of assignments to families I'm counseling. Readers to "Catholic Psychology Blogspot" are also welcome to access this valuable video collection. (In parenthesis you find the length of each video in minutes and seconds.)

* Dealing With Deception And Lies (3:33)
* How To Discipline Teenagers (2:41)
* Causes Of Compusions And Addiction (32:22)
* Kids Who Say "Don't Drink!" (6:21)
* Daughter Having Sex With Boyfriend (Help!) (2:27)
* Why A Daughter Needs A Dad (2:12)
* House Of Tiny Terrors!!! (2:53)
* Marijuana (What Many Teens Think) (22:22)
* What Age To Begin Consequences (1:51)
* The Teenager's Brain (7:12)
* Have Kids Changed, - or Parents? (4:55)
* "I'm Afraid To Let Others Help Me Parent!!!" (1:49)
* How To Not Spoil Your Kid (1:26)
* Tolerating Poor Behavior? (4:38)
* Daughter Cutting Herself (Help!) (2:11)
* "Is My Kid Too Old To Control?" (2:44)
* Consequences (to Drugs and Alcohol) (10:00)
* Prescription Drug Abuse (60:00)
* Marijuana (The Facts) (60:00)
* Electronic Game Addiction? [1 of 4] (5:22)
* Electronic Game Addiction? [2 of 4] (7:08)
* Electronic Game Addiction? [3 of 4] (7:46)
* Electronic Game Addiction? [4 of 4] (9:08)
* Bill Cosby On Parenting [1 of 3] (7:39)
* Bill Cosby On Parenting [2 of 3] (9:35)
* Bill Cosby On Parenting [3 of 3] (8:06)
* Using Consequences (4:45)
* Creating Boundaries (4:17)
* Warning Signs Of Drug Use (2:06)
* Introduction To Alcohol And Drug Use (3:04)
* Protective Parenting (1:31)
* Parenting style (2:57)
* Adolescent Development (3:47)

Last Rites / Anointing of the Sick

This is a beautiful story by Aimee Milburn of Historical Christian, regarding her brother Mark, his death, and how the Catholic Sacrament of "Last Rites" played such a vital role in both of their lives. In her own words she writes the following:

Mark was born just 17 months ahead of me, and we grew up together, one grade apart in school. We fought like cats and dogs when we were little, but by the time we got into high school we realized we could be allies against mom and dad, and became friends.

It was a pretty free-wheeling time, the sexual revolution was in full swing, and I decided I was a liberated feminist, and my brother decided he was gay. We both embarked on our respective free-wheeling lifestyles, my brother plunging into the gay lifestyle. We traded stories with each other, commiserated about relationships, went dancing together when we got old enough to get into clubs, and traveled together. We really had some adventures, and I loved my brother dearly.

This was before anybody had heard of AIDS, but within a few years we did hear about it. And one Christmas afternoon I received a phone call I will never forget: my brother, telling me he had contracted the virus. I was 25. I knew my brother had just received a death sentence. I cried that night like I’d never cried before.

As it turns out, my brother was a long-term survivor, lived 15 years with the disease. During those years I lived in different parts of the country, but we stayed in touch, carried on long talks on the phone, and always sent each other $20 on our birthdays. One year I received a $20 bill on which he had written, “This is the $20 bill we always exchange on our birthdays.” I kept it, still have it packed away somewhere.

I always told my brother during those years that if he really got sick and it looked like the end was coming, I’d move back and help him, and be with him when he died. He managed to stay somewhat healthy for several years, with the help of drugs and good diet, but gradually he declined. He went on full disability for a few more years, but hated it, so developed hobbies to stay busy. He turned his entire front yard into a flower garden, filling it with rose bushes and giant sunflowers and all kinds of other flowers. He filled his apartment with plants and aquariums.

Finally, one day I got a call from my parents that Mark had gone into a real decline, and it wasn’t clear how long he would last. I was living in Seattle, a place I loved with a job and a community I loved, but I resigned the job and moved back home, to help my brother and be with him when he died, as I always said I would.

Continue reading "The Death of my Brother, and Hope" »

Abortion (Post Abortion Distress Symptoms)

Post Abortion Distress Symptoms
(Immediate and/or delayed symptoms may include):

* Anxiety/stress;
* Severe guilt;
* Regret;
* Sadness/sorrow;
* Feelings of loss and emptiness;
* Crying (sometimes for hours or days at a time);
* Depression;
* Inability to concentrate or work;
* Lowered self esteem/self-hatred;
* Desire for secrecy about abortion;
* Nightmares or flashbacks;
* Inability to sustain an intimate relationship;
* Anger or rage;
* Hatred towards anyone connected with the abortion;
* Emotional numbness;
* Severe emotional pain;
* Drug or alcohol abuse;
* Eating disorders;
* Sexual dysfunction (loss of pleasure, frigidity, and/or increased sexual activity);
* Desire to become pregnant again;
* Compulsions to touch or avoid babies;
* Repeat abortions; and
* Suicidal impulses.

(Women may experience some, all, or none of these symptoms. If these symptoms occur or persist, it is important to get help. )

[Taken from the internet site Abortion Concern . ]

Fearing Life's Monsters (Grown-Up Phobia's)

It is a grave mistake to believe that just because the words "religion", "faith", "prayer" and "God" are used in a sentence, that the sentence is no longer a psychological application and solution for life's problems.

Psychology means "the study of the soul". It was from religion, and particularly from the Bible, that the initial concept of "soul" came to be truly grasped, studied and applied in personal relationships. Shall we throw all this away in the name of theories of our own reasoning?

And what if "making our souls comfortable", with acrobatics of human reason, is merely placing a small "bandaide" on a "gapping wound" in a world that has gone mad!

What if all that we fear today, is a projection of what is our greatest fear, that is, "Will there be a loving God at the end of our lives, who will love our souls and protect us from harm in the events of the coming eternity?"

Perhaps knowing what to do with our souls now; what to do with our thoughts, feelings, desires, hopes and wishes (our psychology), more completely includes knowing there is something beyond psychology, - beyond just ourselves. Maybe then, and only then, do we completely see that the things we fear in life, ... each phobia, each situation, each word, each person, each event, are in fact opportunities to witness the endless ocean of God's love when we turn to Him for strength, love and salvation.

The Psychology Of Seeking Poverty

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Let us not be fooled. ... There is a Christian Psychology, thus a Catholic Psychology. Among others, we see it in St. Francis of Assisi. His father was a wealthy merchant, but St. Francis chose to leave his life of wealth to pursue utter devotion to Christ in poverty. Before Catholic religious, he stripped himself of his clothing and took on a poor man's garb to symbolize his devotion.

The Catholic Church was in need of reformation. That reformation happened not by protesting reformers, but by people like St. Francis of Assisi, who stayed in the Church and created change from the inside as a servant.

He had a dream that God wanted him to repair His Church. St. Francis saw an old church building, and thought this was what God wanted him to repair. He did so, but then realized that perhaps God meant more than simply this.

Then St. Francis asked to see the Pope. Arriving at his door, the man at the door would not let him in, because St. Francis looked like a beggar from the street. The Pope finally let him in, then knew God would use St. Francis to do that very thing. The Roman Catholic reformation that St. Francis influenced has continued to this day.

We do not all need seek utter poverty as powerful ministries to our Lord. However, the principle remains true and has great application in our modern time.

Do you find yourself misrepresented in the things you do and say for others? Are you sometimes taken advantage of in ways that are truly not fair? Is your husband, wife or children sometimes cruel or impatient with ? Does your employer take advantage, or place someone of less skill in your place? God wishes that the spirit that was in St. Francis of Assisi, also be in us who follow Him in these times of persecution. Persecution, although sometimes mild, remain very real none the less, and painful.

Remember what St. Paul wrote under inspiration of the Holy Spirit:

"Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in needs, in persecutions, in distresses, for Christ's sake. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (II Corinthians 12:10)

How To Love Your Family

Can I ask you a question? Actually two. The first question I wish to ask you is, "Do you think these things are true?" I mean, "The life of Christ as we know it to be through the words of the gospels in the Bible?" ... If your answer to the first question is "yes", then the second question I wish to ask you is, "Do you love Jesus?" - I mean, do you "really" love Jesus?

You see, if we love Jesus, and "really" love Him, then perhaps it is of great importance that we also love His "family".

Yes, I know, this "loving-the-family-of-Christ" can mean many things, and can be acted out on many levels. A few of which are:

(1) Loving the saints, brothers and sisters in the Lord who have gone on before us.

(2) Loving fellow believers, ... men, women and children, who are with us now on this earth at this time.

(3) Loving the family that Christ was born into when He was birthed in the flesh as an infant in Bethlehem.

It is to number "3" I wish to respond at this moment.

Yes, it is true the men and women in these videos only depict events as they believe them to have been at the time of Christ. Yet, there are many truths in the acting of these events by these dear people which are valid. That are personally true historically, because Christ, very God, took on flesh, and like us, dwelt among the human race in human form.

My point is this, "Catholic Psychology" that is particularly relevant for personal application in our modern day, is "To love Christ, the Trinity, and His Church through also loving the family within which Christ Himself was born into in the event of his initial infancy upon earth. I’m referring to our opportunity to discover a very real joyous relationship within the sacred emotional bond that existed and continues to exist between Jesus and His mother Mary.

Great passion was involved in these events for the sake of our salvation. And certainly, Jesus loved his mother, and she loved Him. There can be great healing and growth for you, the more you make real in your life, closeness in the family that included Jesus and His mother Mary. Feel yourself in that family. Share in that family. The beauty, the sacred. The easiness, joy and difficulties. The passion and the glory. ... Cry with them, and laugh with them. See what they see. Feel what they feel and grow by it. ... It is then when we find more to give to our families who are with us now on this earth.

Knowing since ancient times how the words "brother/sister" were culturally interchangeable with "cousins", and that Mary was loved by Jesus in ways that are commonly honorable between a son and his mother, view the following as an invitation for each of us to join intimately with that sacred family, Jesus and Mary, and personally apply that familial relationship to the desires of our hearts, as well as to the personal needs of others in our daily lives. (Together let’s say, "Jesus and Mary, our Lord and our Mother, we love you, and together we will share with you the sacred story of your most holy passion!!!")

"Then one said to Him, ‘Look, your mother and your brothers are standing outside, seeking to speak with You.’ But He answered and said to the one who told Him, ‘Who is My mother and who are My brothers?’ And He stretched out His hand toward His disciples and said, ‘Here are My mother and My brothers! For whoever does the will of My Father in heaven is My brother and sister and mother."
(Matthew 12:47-50)

Events Greater Than Our Own

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It helps us to remember that there are events happening in the universe far greater than the casual activities of our ordinary daily lives. Actually, there is a war raging all around us. A war that is fought between spiritual forces far greater than our human intellect can now conceive. A Christian Psychology, thus a Catholic psychology, takes into account the entire picture of human existance and history. It places into perspective mankind's petty relational contentions, and views them in the context of all creation.
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"For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places." (Ephesians 6:12)
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These forces are envious because very God in Christ took on human flesh, thereby welcoming and paving the way for the human race to become God's very family for those who will be His disciples. ... So now Satan, and one third of the angels that he brought down with him with vicious lies and defiance against God, jealously battle to destroy we of flesh who are made in the Creator's image.
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This is our psychology, our thinking, our manner of inter-relating in this great war that goes beyond just ourselves:
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"For the weapons of our warfare are not carnal (of the flesh) but mighty in God for pulling down strongholds, casting down arguments and every high thing that exalts itself against the knowledge of God, bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ, " (II Corinthians 10:4-5)
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*Internet Pornography ("Out of Control!!!")*

"One hears a lot about how pornography harms women, children, families, and society. And it does victimize these groups, no question about it." ... "Feminist rhetoric aimed at pornography is couched in the language of the ‘victimization of women.’ But what about the victimization of MEN? I rarely hear pornography spoken of in terms of the harm it does to men. There seems to be an underlying assumption that because men enjoy pornography, then it’s not really bad for them. It’s taken for granted that men are just doing what comes naturally, what they’re hardwired for, being the visual, testosterone-driven creatures that they are. I submit that men are not only victimized by pornography, but that they are the primary victims of pornography. Men are the targeted audience for pornography. If you’re a man reading this, you must realize that pornography is aimed at you, at your mind, your soul, and your pocketbook – to the tune of billions of dollars a year." (Aimee Milburn of the highly informative Catholic Blog Historical Christian.)

In her post Aimee Milburn says further: "And men are very susceptible to it. I think we’re all familiar with the reaction of the ordinary, healthy male to the sight of an attractive, half-clad female form: the eyes-wide instant double-take, faster than thought. Men are wired to respond, and they do. ... pornography is carefully filmed, airbrushed, glossed, manipulated in every way precisely to get the man hooked, so he keeps coming back for more, keeps on feeding the giant sucking hole of hell that pornography is – feeding it not just with money, but with the priceless currency of the eternal agony of souls, the real wealth of hell. ..."

"Pornography is a giant dragnet for hell. A man hooked on pornography not only becomes a slave of hell himself, he becomes a pimp for hell, feeding the demand for men, women and children to be used in porn, and victimizing them directly when, driven by porn, he acts on his porn-fed fantasies. And then everyone, men, women, children, and society, is victimized by porn."

In her post Aimee also quotes from a pastoral letter written by Bishop Paul S. Loverde of the Catholic Diocese of Arlington, Virginia, entitled "Bought With A Price: (Pornography and the Attack on the Living Temple of God)". In the pastoral letter Bishop Loverde states: "While husbands and wives share equal dignity as persons, they do not share temptations equally - especially the temptations associated with the scourge of pornography. It must be admitted that the use of pornography is largely, although certainly not exclusively, associated with males. If a marriage begins to be damaged by pornography, it will most likely be introduced by the husband."

In the pastoral letter he goes on, "Husbands, be aware that your solemn promise of faithfulness, which is the foundation of the formation of your family, is damaged by any use of pornography. Strive to bring honor to the promise you made at the beginning of your married life. The times where intimacy is difficult are opportunities to practice the sacrificial love of a spouse that only your noble vocation illustrates most perfectly." ... "Seeking comfort in the illusion of pornography will incrementally corrupt your understanding of self, your perception of your beloved wife, and the model you present to your children. It is futile to believe that this secret preoccupation can be contained and isolated from family life. In small ways, the self-centeredness and disrespect of self and others, which lie at the heart of this vice, will become manifest within your relationships with your family."

To conclude this post on "Internet Pornography", here are three minutes of counseling strategy explained by a counselor, George Collins, MA, the founder and director of "Compulsion Solutions" (an outpatient counseling service specifically for the treatment of men who suffer from the results of sexually compulsive behavior).

*Commercializing Of Women*

"There is a way that seems right to a man, but the end there of is the way of death." (Proverbs 16:25)

We are all greatly affected by the way we view women in our homes, our lives and society.

1. Women, used as objects to sale products, if not to sale themselves.

2. Women, made to appear as something they are not.

3. To fulfill fantasies in men. Fantasies women cannot live up to.

4. Women, left wondering what is beauty, not seeing their own beauty.

5. Women, unable to leave their homes for fear of how they look without make-up.

6. Women, when being loved, hate their lovers, for they know they are not being loved for what they truly are, but for what they pretend to be.

7. Women, living in society of fundamental dishonesty, inspired to place fantasy above what is true and real.

8. A society where men are no longer respected, and women are no longer cherished.

9. A society where teenaged girls call boys on their cell phones, and "going-on-a-date" means something different than it once did.

10. A socity where women are promised love, but are used instead, then left to swim in loneliness, despair and resentment.

12. A society where men hate themselves, having no examples to follow for knowing how to be men for their wives and children. Grasping for anything to fill the void of their own shame and guilt.

*The Perverting Of Catholic Religious (Part 1)*

The year was 1966. Psychologists Dr. Carl Rogers and Dr. William Coulson requested to conduct a "pilot study" of a new emerging therapy with nuns of the order of the "Immaculate Heart of Mary". The nunship, desiring to do a good deed, agreed to allow their schools to be the first to experience Dr. Rogers' "Therapy For Normals" (TFN).

Dr. Rogers and Dr. Coulson arrived at the initial "testing-of-nuns-to-improve-them" location to begin their therapeutic intervention, well funded from the "National Institutes of MentalHealth". Eventually they brought with them a total of 58 additional psychological testers and group facilitators. Dr. Coulson himself described years later in his own words, "We inundated that system with humanistic psychology." ... "They agreed to let us come into their schools and work with their normal faculty, and with their normal students, and influence the development of normal Catholic life."

The large team of well funded Rogerian psychologists, under the inventor and master of Rogerianism himself, Dr. Carl Rogers (shown on the right), began their TFN intervention with certain enthusiasm. What did Dr. William Coulson later conclude regarding the work of the psychological teams he personally supervised? ... He said, "It was a disaster!"

In a personal well documented interview he stated regarding the "Immaculate Heart Of Mary" order of nuns, "The IHM's had some 60 schools when we started; at the end, they had "one". There were some 615 nuns when we began. Within a year after our first interventions, 300 of them were petitioning Rome to get out of their vows. They did not want to be under anyone's authority, except the authority of their imperial inner selves."

In the summer of 1966 a "Sister Mary Benjamin, IHM" got involved with the Rogerian therapists. Dr. Coulson explained later in a book written by him, that Sister Mary Benjamin "... became the victim of a lesbian seduction. An older nun in the group, ‘freeing herself to be more expressive of who she really was internally,' decided that she wanted to make love with Sister Mary Benjamin. Well, Sister Mary Benjamin engaged in this; and then she was stricken with guilt, and wondered, to quote from her (own) book, ‘Was I doing something wrong, was I doing something terrible? I talked to a priest.' (Dr. Coulson interjects: "Unfortunately we spoke to the priest first!") ... ‘I talked to a priest,' she says, ‘who refused to pass judgment on my actions. He said it was up to me to decide if they were right or wrong. He opened a door, and I walked through the door, realizing I was on my own.'"

So how exactly did all this get started in the Catholic Church of America, the "destruction of tradition, break from the Vatican, defying original vows made by nuns?" ... Dr. Coulson goes on. ... "As I said, the IHM's were pretty progressive, but some of the leadership was a little bit nervous about the secular psychologist from LaJolla coming in, so I met with the whole community, some 600 nuns gathered in the Immaculate Heart High School gymnasium, in Hollywood, on an April day in 1967. ‘We've already done the pilot study.' we told them, ‘Now we want to get everybody in the system involved in no directive self-exploration. We call it encounter groups, but if that name doesn't please you, we'll call it something else. We'll call it the "person group".' So they went along with us, and that is partly my responsibility, because they thought, ‘These people wouldn't hurt us; the project coordinator is a Catholic. ..."

"Rogers, however, was the principal investigator. He was the brains behind the project, and he was probably anti-Catholic; at the time I didn't recognize it because I probably was, too. We both had a bias against hierarchy. I was flush with Vatican II, and I thought, ‘I am the Church, I am as Catholic as the Pope. Didn't Pope John XIII want us to open the windows and let in the fresh air? Here we come!' And we did, and within a year those nuns wanted out of their vows."

But once the 600 nuns were broken down into "encounter groups" (to make them better nuns, you know, ... psychologically) precisely how long did it take for most of those dedicated nuns to turn their backs on everything they previously held sacred? The project coordinator himself went further:

"Well, in the summer of 1967 the IHM's were having their chapter. They had been
called, as religious orders were, to re-evaluate their mode of living, and to bring it more in line with the charisms of their founder. So they were ready for us. They were ready for an intensive look at themselves with the help of humanistic psychologists. We overcame their traditions, we overcame their faith. ..."

In this same interview Dr. Coulson explained that there was a Father Elwood "Bud" Kaiser in the vicinity of this psychological implosion. He was a Paulist priest, who also wrote a book, it was called "Hollywood". In one of the chapters of that book the priest describes a "romantic involvement" he had with one of the IHM nuns afterwards. He explained in writing regarding the nun that "... she got in the spirit of Rogerian non-directive encounter," and "she propositioned him sexually." Further explanation of the event documents that the priest refused her sexual advances, but that "she got sexually involved with her Rogerian therapist."

Dr. Coulson explained further in the interview: "He (the therapist) got her (the nun) involved in sex games, in therapy. Rogers (Dr. Carl Rogers) didn't get people involved in sex games, but he couldn't prevent his followers from doing it, because all he could say was, ‘Well, I don't do that.' Then his followers would say, ‘Well, of course you don't do that, because you grew up in an earlier era; but we do, and its marvelous: you have set us free to be ourselves and not (be) carbon copies of you."

So how many years did it take to destroy the "Immaculate Heart of Mary" order, or at least drastically change it from what sacrificial, traditional devotion it was? And what came of the 615 nuns?

Dr. Coulson: "It took about a year and a half." ... " There might be a couple of dozen left all together, apart from whom, they're gone. The college campus was sold. There is no more "Immaculate Heart College". ... "One mother pulled her daughter out before it closed, saying, ‘Listen, she can lose her faith for free at the state college.' ... Our grant had been for three years, but we called off the study after two, because we were alarmed about the results. We thought we could make the IHM's better than they were, and we destroyed them."


Dr. William (Bill) Coulson went on to lecture, speak on interviews, write articles and a book. He's done whatever he could do to assuage the guilt and shame he felt for having created what he clearly has referred to as the destruction of Catholic Tradition and Sacramental Devotion among many Religious.


Dr. Coulson has a three tape series on the topic of what this post has merely touched on, but even more directly addressing humanistic psychological in both Catholic and Public schools. As you see, to the left the lecture series is entitled "". PSYCHOLOGY IN EDUCATION, FRIEND OR FOE

Please note that more will be said in future posts on this vital topic on CatholicPsychology.Blogspot. This post, "The Perverting Of Catholic Religious", is the first in a series of posts. Part Two will arrive soon.

(Comments, positive or negative, are welcome. If anyone wish to argue from the opposing side of this issue, feel free to do so. Only expect that what I refer to as the true "Catholic Psychology" will be staunchly defended.)

*Early Church Psychology*

So much for getting mad because your toaster stopped working this morning.
Or being "upset" and "holding a grudge" because someone spoke to you in the wrong tone of voice.
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The above picture depicts a day when all Christians were Catholics. Just the mere "thought" of the Church dividing into factions in dispute against one another was deplorable and considered "heresy". ... How today we've grown accustomed to divisions and disagreements. Differences of opinion, or "Your-truth-being-your-truth,-and-my-truth-being-my-truth."
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And then the world was without "psychology". ... Or was it?
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** I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service.
** And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God.
** For I say, through the grace given to me, to everyone who is among you, not to think of himself more highly than he ought to think, but to think soberly, as God has dealt to each one a measure of faith.
** For as we have many members in one body, but all the members do not have the same function, so we, being many, are one body in Christ, and individually members of one another.
** Having then gifts differing according to the grace that is given to us, let us use them; if prophecy, let us prophesy in proportion to our faith; or ministry, let us use it in our ministering; he who teaches, in teaching; he who exhorts, in exhortation, he who gives, with liberality; he who leads, with diligence; he who shows mercy, with cheerfulness.
** Let love be without hypocrisy. Abhor what is evil. Cling to what is good.
** Be kindly affectionate to one another with brotherly love, in honor giving preference to one another; not lagging in diligence, fervent in spirit, serving the Lord; rejoicing in hope, patient in tribulation, continuing steadfastly in prayer; distributing to the needs of the saints, given to hospitality.
** Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice, and weep with those who weep.
** Be of the same mind toward one another. Do not set your mind on high things, but associate with the humble. Do not be wise in your own opinion.
** Repay no one evil for evil. Have regard for good things in the sight of all men. If it is possible, as much as depends on you, live peaceably with all men.
** Beloved, do not avenge yourselves, but rather give place to wrath; for it is written, "Vengeance is Mine, I will repay," says the Lord.
** Therefore "If your enemy is hungry, feed him; If he is thirsty, give him a drink; For in so doing you will heap coals of fire on his head." (Romans chapter 12)
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(Note: The "coals of fire" mentioned in this scripture, refers to a neighbor giving "extra burning coals" to another neighbor who needed a warm fire in his home. The neighbor receiving the coals would then carry the "coals of fire" in a basket safely on his head to his home to start a fire for the benefit of he and his family. ... The illustration meant nothing that was negative or harmful.)
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*When Giving Advice Is Difficult!*

Do you see this face? ... I warn you, this is "not" someone you want to "mess" with! ... I'm talking about "Sister Mary Martha". ... A receiver of questions, and giver of advice. ... At the top of her blog ensconced forever are the words: "Life is tough. But Nuns are tougher. If you need helpful advice just "ASK SISTER MARY MARTHA". She'll help you. Just don't expect any sympathy."
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Still, mercifully, she admits there are times she doesn't know what to say to peoples' questions. (Admitting that answering to a few sentences can be dangerous.) ... Let's read her own words:

.

... Suppose you tell me that your brother is a very sweet man but is somewhat neglectful of his wife. You go on to explain that he loves her very much, he is always there for her when it is really important, he's a good bread winner, a good provider. He just misses a birthday sometimes or shows up really late for family gatherings and his wife is embarrassed and it causes them to fight.

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What do I say? I would say, keep your trap shut and say a rosary in his behalf and thank the Good Lord that they are more happy than not, that he is there where he really needs to be, that he loves her and that maybe she is being a little needy. If I had to talk with his wife, if she told me about all the things she needs from him, I might say, "Drop some needs."

.

But you've neglected to tell me, in your question, that the reason your brother is late is because he is being detained by the police, that his nickname is "Sonny"(always a red flag) and that his good behavior always coincides with the periods in which he is on the wagon.

Now my advice is really, "really" bad.

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That's why I can't touch this. (Then she shows a letter!):

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"I've been in a rocky relationship for over half a year now. Lately I've been wondering what it is I am supposed to do. Do I stay and stick it out even though I am suffering right now because God wants us to persevere through the dark times for what is important to us? Or is the fact that I'm so unhappy lately a definite sign that I'm not on God's path for me? Nothing at all seemed odd to me but then I tell my best friend about my dilemma and she looks at me like I'm nuts to think about it that way. So I started wondering if God really does work that way. Does He have a specific plan for each of us? Or just some of us? Or is it more general like 'do good, be good, love God'? Is He really concerned about my love life? Or just the condition of my immortal soul as in I can date whoever I please so long as there is no sinning? I'd like to hear your thoughts on the matter, Sister. I feel sort of ignorant at the moment. Thanks."

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Unhappy for the entire year and a half, or just the last six months or just last couple of weeks? Unhappy because he makes you feel unsafe and unloved?

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He makes you feel unsafe. Because he's been known to fly into a rage? Or because he's never on time to pick you up from work?

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He makes you feel unloved. Because he is cold and dismissive? Or because he forgot to get you a birthday card?

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Or unhappy because he doesn't do what you think he should do? ....... He can't hold down a job? Or he doesn't pick up his socks?

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Is his nickname, "Sonny"?

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My question is: Why ask me? You should be telling "him" this stuff.

But what do I know? I'm a nun. Jesus doesn't even "wear" socks, so that's never an issue. ...

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....... I understand that this is a very "real" and a very "important" problem. I just what to explain as fully as I can why it would be "BAD" for me to try to give you dating advice. You can see how this could really go right off the rails. I could be doing you "serious harm".

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As for God's plan. .... He "does" have a plan and He does care about "every aspect of your life". Unfortunately, He doesn't mail you a copy of the plan. But that's why we have the Catholic Church! So you and God can be as close as possible.

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And His nickname isn't "Sonny".

*Healing Grief Before The Eucharistic Host*

(Anyone who reads the following story from a friend of mine will be deeply touched. Please give it your time.)

I just want to relate an experience I had through using the Sacrament of Confession and praying to Jesus through the exposed Host, the Blessed Sacrament.

For 13 years I suffered heartbreaking guilt and turmoil over the death of my infant son, whom I will call "John". My son was four months old at the time of his death. He had died from a head injury caused by a car accident where he was with his father at the time, alone.

I was washing diapers and couldn’t stop to hold John, who was crying to be held. I had 23 diapers and needed to wash them every day. It took some time since we had one of those old wringer washing machines. His father, whom I will call "Thomas", said he would take him for a ride to calm him down. That was the reason I was not there when the accident occurred, and can’t say what truly happened.

Thomas said he hit a bump on the road, and that John fell to the car floor and must have hit his head. (This was before infant car seats were developed.) The car was fine and so was his father. John was the only one with a head injury. This, I thought was suspicious. I quickly developed a hatred for Thomas, thinking that he must have done something to our son. My suspicion was based on the fact that Thomas never wanted to have children and never enjoyed John.

I lived with a sorrow that ached to the core of my being, to my soul. I felt I didn’t deserve to live. Somehow I kept an outward face of a fairly normal person, at least in my view. Every now and then, through these years, I would wake in the night and weep copiously with the heartache of a grieving mother, and one who felt tremendous guilt, who really just wanted to die.

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Within four months after John’s death, the relationship deteriorated into drunkenness and abuse. I shall say that I escaped from Thomas because he had threatened to kill me. A number of years later I found out that Thomas had died of a drug overdose and exposure.

I eventually returned to the Catholic Faith and the Sacraments. I had been away for 20 years.

A few years after my return to the Church, I attended a retreat that was directed by a Jesuit priest who was also a psychiatrist. During the retreat, which was a silent one, he led us in a probing history of our pasts which allowed me to really scrutinize my part in this hurtful situation in which I was holding resentments against myself and my baby son’s father.

I discovered that, in the beginning of our relationship, I did not have any respect or concern for his feelings. He told me he didn’t want to have children, and I thought that somehow things would work out even if I did get pregnant. I thought he would rise to the occasion and be a good father anyway. I did not consider that he could really be serious about not wanting children. So my fault was in not respecting his wishes. I never believed in using birth control so I should have ended the relationship then and there, but I didn’t. I confessed this sin because in the end it did cause him hurt and emotional turmoil, the extent of which I am unaware.

During the four months of our son’s life he did not prove to be a loving father and this was evidenced to me by various things he would say, as well as just a general annoyed attitude he kept towards our son.

I owed it to my son to leave his father, for I did fear for my son’s safety. However, I didn’t have a faith that was strong enough to leave, while at the same time I had been convinced by Thomas telling me that no one would help me. I thought he was right. It really did seem that there was no one. We were isolated, living in the country and I had lost touch with friends and family because they didn’t approve of our relationship.

The priest I went to for Confession during the retreat was a Jesuit too (though as far as I am aware, he was not a psychiatrist or a psychologist). During the confession I told him the above. I told him that by my not ending the relationship, I hurt a lot of people. Specifically, myself, my family, and most of all, my son and his father.

The priest told me to go sit in front of the Blessed Sacrament (they were having adoration in the afternoon) and to ask Jesus to allow my son to hear my apology and for Thomas to hear my apology. He also absolved me from my sins which, anyone who gets absolution in the Sacrament of Confession, will experience as a sort of lightness of being.

That afternoon I went to the Blessed Sacrament that was exposed, and prayed that God would allow my son to hear my apology. I then made my apology. I looked at the Host in the monstrance and saw the outline of a mother holding a baby. I seemed to know it was Mary, the Mother of Jesus, holding my son. I closed my eyes and saw very clearly my son’s face bathed in a warm bright light. He had the greatest smile on his face, and I knew now he knows no sorrow, only continual joy. I knew my little baby boy had forgiven me.

I then asked God to allow Thomas to hear my sorrowful apology for not considering his feelings and wants. ...... I made my apology, understanding that he was listening since Jesus was allowing this. For just a second my mind wandered to the thought, ........... "I wonder if Thomas did something to hurt our son and if he will end up in Hell". Immediately I heard a man’s voice around my right ear whom I am sure was the voice of Jesus. He said, "That’s between me and him." ... I became so aware of my judging Thomas and that I had overstepped my boundaries there. I thought of what a frightening thing that can be, to make God’s business of justice my own.

I left the spiritual exercise feeling deep gratitude and joy for Christ truly present in the Eucharistic Host. Also, I felt deep appreciation for the priests He uses to guide us and direct us on our souls’ journeys.
*****

"In many ways, Our Lord, is calling us to worship and receive Him in the Eucharist. He speaks this desire in many ways: through the Pope and the Magisterium of the Church, in the Bible (John chapter 6), through his Blessed Mother in approved Marian apparitions, through the testimonies of Saints and Martyrs, through Eucharistic miracles, through Church approved messages given by Jesus by Divine Revelation, through our souls who long for Jesus in Communion, and through our suffering world which is in much need of prayer before the Blessed Sacrament. Unfortunately many of us disbelieve or have grown indifferent towards Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament." .......... (From THE REAL PRESENCE )

*****

Paragraph 174 of the Catechism of the Catholic Church states:

...

"The mode of Christ's presence under the Eucharistic species is unique. It raises the Eucharist above all the sacraments as "the perfection of the spiritual life and the end to which all sacraments tend." In the most blessed sacrament of the Eucharist "the body and blood, together with the soul and divinity, of our Lord Jesus Christ and, therefore, the whole Christ is truly, really, and substantially contained." "This presence is called 'real' - by which is not intended to exclude the other types of presence as if they could not be 'real' too, but because it is presence in the fullest sense: that is to say, it is a substantial presence by which Christ, God and man, makes himself wholly and entirely present."

** Sexual Abuse, Incest and Rape **

The Catechism Of The Catholic Church states:

"Rape is the forcible violation of the sexual intimacy of another person. It does injury to justice and charity. Rape deeply wounds the respect, freedom, and physical and moral integrity to which every person has a right. It causes grave damage that can mark the victim for life. It is always an intrinsically evil act. Graver still is the rape of children committed by parents (incest) or those responsible for the education of the children entrusted to them". (Paragraph 2356)

**********

It is like a rabbit that is chased by a fox or wolves. The rabbit was made by God to run rapidly, but when cornered, and no place else to run, the mind of the little animal shuts down, it stops working. It is not that the rabbit resigns itself to the fate of destruction. No. Instead the tiny creature no longer resists, while its mind stops processing the event that is happening. For in the beginning, God did not make the mind to absorb trauma, insisting that it make sense or endure the event of it's own destruction.

The same is true for adults and children raped and incested. Not knowing how to make sense of what's happened to them, the delicate soft personality of the one abused, made remarkably in God's image, fractures, implodes upon itself. Creating, as it were, a "compartment" inside the one traumatized. This "compartmentalization" is more than a suppression of feelings, a repression of emotions (i.e.,shame, fear, humiliation, loneliness, despair). ... It is more dramatically a suppression of an "entire event". ..... A little girl or boy locked in a closet by no wish of their own. Forced to stay there, alone and feeling blamed, keeping their mouth shut for a lifetime quite possibly. Burying the secret, living a lie, going on with life as if life would somehow make sense afterwards.

Has this happened to you? If so, I am certain you have wondered in your heart, "Why did God let this happen?" ... and ... "Where was God when this happened to me?"

*****

For now let me say this to you. When God made you in the beautiful way you are dear one, God did not make you so that you would be violated in this way. On the contrary, He made you to be cherished, loved and protected.

Then where was our Lord when this terrible injustice was done (and maybe done over and over)??? ..... Listen to me. God was there with you and He wept. If you were too frightened to cry, then He cried for both of you.

And it was not your fault. Mary our Mother, all the saints and angels, the Triune Person of God Himself, knows intimately every dynamic of trauma psychology that echoed through your hurting soul the instant you were wronged, then blamed for the wrong by the perpetrator who took no responsibility.

Take care of yourself. You are "not" living a lie. Christ Himself was raped and mocked before he was nailed to a cross. He knows how you feel.

Finally, as to the closet, the "compartment" the child inside you sits inside, frightened and alone. Remember what Jesus said In Revelation 3:20-22 ...

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me. To him who overcomes I will grant to sit with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne. He who has an ear, let him hear what the Spirit says to the churches."

**The Rosary (For Men)**

Men, we have a problem. Don't tell anyone, especially the women. But men, we "do" have a problem.

Yes, we men love women. We cherish women, we appreciate women. Women are our joy, our light, our treasure in life. But to be honest, men, we have also used women, abused women, manipulated, ravaged, promised women love, but then each of us, at some time, have rejected, lost patience with, forgotten and abandoned women.

If you're a man, you know what I mean.

But in defiling what is conceptually sacred in women, with our male minds, hearts, and bodies, we defile as well ourselves for it's from women we are born, nursed, caressed and made to grow, only to return and defile again. And sometimes, again, again and again.

Can a man find his innocence? We men of God's good earth who call ourselves Catholics, but sometimes wonder because of currents of passion we feel deep inside us.

There "is" a place for men in the rosary. Mary, the mother of Jesus, the queen of all saints, welcomes us through the power and grace of the Holy Spirit, to be our mother, and we of both genders to be the very family of Jesus, Mary and Joseph.

Gentleman, many of us need this. Women do not always know how deeply we men hurt. So often we must truly be the providers, the protectors of our wives, our children, our families.

And yes, let us say it here, many of us men have been walked on and ignored. We do not all know the love of a mother. Many of us do not even know the love of a lover, who did not in the end manipulate with lies.

Sir, let me tell you something. As a man, you can survive almost "anything" for 20 minutes, right? (God knows you've had to!). I suggest that you seriously consider the relevance of praying the rosary on a daily basis.

You see, we men need the beauty and grace of a beautiful woman. Sometimes we demand this from our wives, but sometimes they do not have it to give. We men, too, need healing deep in our souls. Coming from broken homes, trauma after trauma, still we press on and pretend we don't feel pain. Yet we do, then quickly bury it in shame and doubt, and whatever else is nearest to us to pretend.

God understands. He knows you need love to be a man. Actually, love that respects you, not love that hurts you, then makes the world believe it is your fault.

Listen, saying the rosary in private, feeling the beads in your hands as you do so, this can awaken your manly heart to a beauty and love, a respect that a man needs from the elogence, grace, even charm of our immaculate virgin holy mother. This, with the passion of Christ's crusifixion, is where you find healing and wholeness for the man you can be.

Let us men not be embarrassed. We can keep a manly rosary somewhere in a pocket, a box. No one needs to know. God knows. He hears. He sees.

Stop thinking you have to "make" yourself a man. Ask God to do it. Let Him be your Protector, the Giver of manly stamina. Let our Holy Mother nurture you where you have not been before. She is full of grace, a Virgin. Not someone who will tempt you, nor will be tempted by you. She, and the Trinity that is God, is all that you need.

Pray the rosary. Daily if you can. Then return to your family and be the man you can truly be. Remember, you will forever be with the family of God. There will never be an end to that eternity.

"FOR MEN WHO PRAY THE ROSARY, OR WISH TO, WHO ALSO THINK DOING SO IS A MASCULINE THING TO DO, PLEASE LEAVE A BRIEF COMMENT FOR THE ENCOURAGEMENT OF OTHER MEN TO PRACTICE THIS VALUABLE FORM OF REFLECTION, PRAYER AND MEDITATION. (THANKS!)"

** Why Some People Dislike You The Same Way Always #3 **

[Consider reading first "PART 1" and "PART 2". .....
..... Now we have "PART 3" in the series.]
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(***) As a matter of illustration, notice how when a wooden ship is being built, there is careful attention to place a wooden beam through the base and center of the ship's construction. From the position of this wooden beam, all other parts are attached and built one upon another. Eventually, the vessel is completed, then placed on the ocean to float for the purpose of carrying valuable cargo and passengers.
(***) Imagine if the beam of wood, upon which all other smaller parts are attached, was instead a "bamboo shoot!" What do you imagine would happen to the ship once it is placed on ocean swirls and set stressfully in rocking motion?
(***) Yes, you're right, the ship would fall apart, then embarassingly sink in pieces to the depth of the sea! Without a reliable, sturdy object upon which to build the ship, nothing would last, and destruction would soon be the result! The same is true in human relationships, and this serves as another explanation as to why "Some People Dislike You The Same Way Always!"
(***) Remember in Part 1 and Part 2 of "Why Some People Dislike You The Same Way Always". We discussed how he who angrily criticizes with words, is guilty of the offense of which he criticizes. We saw also, that not only is the angry accuser guilty of the thing that he criticizes, but he is also "most" guilty of that offense, while the one accussed is "most innocent" of the accusation. Case after case, and situation after situation, I find this consistently to be true. Yes, we briefly consider how it is so true what Christ our Lord said at the start of the seventh chapter of the book of Matthew.
(***) However, this brings to another step of grasping further the words of the greatest psychologist that has ever lived, the Creator Himself, Jesus Christ. That is, "Why some people who dislike you, seem always to dislike you the 'SAME WAY'!"
(***) Well, it is like the ship. You know, with the "strong beam of wood" built through its center! People who criticize you judgmentally and angrily for the same thing over and over (and over, and over, and over), do so "not because you are 'WEAK' in the thing for which they criticize you, but precisely because you are 'STRONG' in the thing for which they criticize you!!!
(***) OK, I'll give you time to recover. (Get up off the floor if you fell down.) I know it must be difficult to imagine. The fact that its "shocking" and sounds "ludicrous" and all. Still, what I've said is true. Completely, an amazing amount of the time!
(***) Reveiw again, some things for which people have criticizec you rudely and uncaringly in one or two specific ways. In principle, one or two specific messages have followed you all of your life. Literally, you can choose from the following list (For someone else, the choice might be different):
1. You are irresponsible. ("I always have to tell you what to do!")
2. You will never amount to much. ("You will always be less of a person than you should be!")
3. You care only about yourself. ("You are selfish, and do not love anyone but yourself!")
4. You never listen. ("I could talk until I am "blue in the face, and you will sit there and not listen!")
5. You are stupid. You know nothing. ("Everyone else is more intelligent than you are!")
6. Nothing good comes out of your mouth. ("Everything you say is not worth hearing!")
7. You are ugly. ("Nothing about you is attractive!" ... "People are repulsed by you!")
(***) I wish to tell you that when it dawns on you that one or two of these negative messages, negative scripts, has followed you through the course of your entire life, it is in that precise negative criticism where is found your greatest strength. Yes, precisely on that specific subject exists the healthy, strong, core of your personality given to you by God.
(***) You see, the instant you feel within you the sting of pain or anger because of what someone else said against you to hurt you, you are at that moment the "beam of wood at the center of the ship". Stress in a home, business, church, family moves and targets itself at "someone to blame!" You believe the falsehood of the blame. The reason the rude criticism hurts you is because it is not true. In fact, it is the "opposite" that is true. And you've heard the same wrong message for so long all your life that, in your anger you've believed it and doubt the gifts God gave you.
(***) You might ask, "But why do some people always say this bad thing against me?" ... My answer, because what those people say bad about you says more about "them" than it does about "you". Also, your believing what they are saying is true continues to make it convenient for those people to continue to criticize you in the same way, again and again, day after day. You become those peoples' "drug", so to speak, to maintain the denial of truth they do not wish to see in themselves.
(***) In other words, while feeling ashamed and less than others, you, my friend, are the "strong beam of wood that holds the ship together!
(***) To conclude this post, let me give only one illustration to explain what I mean. Let's take the classic example of a mother standing over her son screaming at him. The young man is sitting in a chair and the mother is standing over him. She yells, "You never listen to me!" ... "I could talk to you until I'm blue in the face, and it will make no difference!" ... "You will be the death of me!" ... "It matters not what I say, with you it only 'goes-in-one-ear-and-comes-out-the-other!"
(***) I ask you, in this situation, who is not listening? Actually, it is the "mother" who is not listening. This mother at this moment is grossly at fault for not listening herself, for she cannot listen if she is constantly screaming. And as for the young man, I assure you he has the "gift" of listening. For one reason because the mother is angrily criticisizing him for not listening, in order to hide the fact that it is "she" who is not listening.
******* (Please look for the next post in this series on this important topic "WHY-SOME-PEOPLE-DISLIKE-YOU-THE-SAME-WAY-ALWAYS") *******