Tell God We Love Him??!!!

"What a weakness it is to love Jesus Christ only when He Caresses us, and to be cold immediately once He afflicts us. This is not true love. Those who love thus, love themselves too much to love God with all their heart."
St. Margaret Mary Alacoque

Have you ever stopped to consider that likely vast quantities of people today call themselves Christians, servants and children of God, but miss the point of what God desires of them in their relationship with Him? I mean, what if He wishes to be told by us that we love Him, to utter the words "I love you, Lord" each day in a moment of quiet meditation, and that, no matter if things are going our way or not.

Does God want our love, even wait for our love? "Our" love! We humans so weak and small in comparison to him. ...

Actually it is so sad. More sad than we can perhaps comprehend. That days go by that seemingly a world of people on our planet He has made, do not stop and with our lips mouth the words, "God, you are great. You are wonderful. I do not understand the psychology of how this can possibly be important to You, from soneone as small as I. But yes, my Lord, my Creator and my God, I love You. I will speak the greatest words I can say in a lifetime. Yes God, I love you."

Maybe one way of learning how to show love to our husbands, our wives, our children and neighbors, is to begin by saying it to God. Surely the rest will follow.

"It is our part to seek, His to grant what we ask; ours to make a beginning, His to bring it to completion; ours to offer what we can, His to finish what we cannot."

St. Jerome

Be not afraid to tell Jesus that you love Him; even though it be without feeling, this is the way to oblige Him to help you, and carry you like a little child too feeble to walk.
St. Therese of Lisieux

(Photos: St. Therese of Lisieux)

Is Reading Prayers "Honest"?

I returned to the Catholic Church nine years ago. The last Mass I attended before then, and that, as an altar boy in that Mass, was at age thirteen on the naval "Sea-Bee" (Construction Battalion) base in Gulf-Port, Mississippi. Circumstances beyond my control determined my life after that, when, at age seventeen I entered the Protestant church in earnest. Finally, I graduated from a Baptist Bible College and became a licensed minister. Over many years I performed a host of christian tasks and roles, including missionary work to Mexico, then a christian singing soloist from church to church.

I said all this to make the following point: "In all of those years of my efforts in Protestant Christian endeavors, I never a single time saw any protestant read a prayer that had been prepared beforehand."

Strange, I've never heard anyone besides me discuss this topic. I mean, how major segments of the Protestant world choose never to pray a prayer, in private or in public, that had been thought of by someone else beforehand. The only exception to this would be the "Our Father", I suppose, but come to think of it, I don't believe I heard that prayed in public much either (unless, of course, you include "singing" it at something like a wedding).

Really, vast denominations of Protestants do not read prayers, - even if the prayers made up by other Christians before them were good ones!

I've thought of this extensively, especially since I make my living as a psychotherapist, and as a result of this, I regularly spend hours every day contemplating how people think and why they think the way they do. I conclude that this great segment of protestants believe that if they do not originate the words of a prayer in their own thinking, and speak the words they thought of at that moment with their own lips, there is no way the prayer they did not think of could in no way be sincere!

I must say that an entire book could be written on the falacies of this core premise. For the moment, I will only relate that reading great prayers of saints who have gone on before us, and reading every word of those prayers with heart-felt cognizance and sincerety, is a great path to reviving our spirits unto God, and facilitating our actions in service to Him. Oh, the psychological ehancement this can promote in the detail fabric of relational issues of family life!

It's interesting how we expect to sing words formed by believers in songs, but to "pray" words formed by believers, great saint believers in prayers, praying them as our own unto God, is viciously judged as hypocritical.

This is the argument used by many in regards to the Holy Rosary. Believe me, many people, Prostestants and Catholic, think we Catholic Christians who pray at least five decades of the Rosary every day, do this for the sake of "works alone" to "solely-earn-our-way-to-heaven!"

How mistaken these people are. For only one example, the saying of the prayer "Hail Mary" fifty-three times a day as a part of five decades of sacred Rosary prayer, can be with every word being emotionally and spiritually charged, precious and honest.

I wish to write more about this in great detail in future posts. For the moment, however, try reading the following prayer to God in a way as though it were your own. [The prayer of St. Claude de la Columbiere: (middle 1600's).] Discover how the Holy Spirit of the Blessed Trinity can go through you as a breeze within deep regions of your psychological being; your body, soul and spirit:

My God, I believe most firmly that Thou watchest over all who hope in Thee, and that we can want for nothing when we rely upon Thee in all things; therefore I am resolved for the future to have no anxieties, and to cast all my cares upon Thee.

People may deprive me of worldly goods and of honors; sickness may take from me my strength and the means of serving Thee; I may even lose Thy grace by sin; but my trust shall never leave me. I will preserve it to the last moment of my life, and the powers of hell shall seek in vain to wrestle it from me.

Let others seek happiness in their wealth, in their talents; let them trust to the purity of their lives, the severity of their mortifications, to the number of their good works, the fervor of their prayers; as for me, O my God, in my very confidence lies all my hope.'For Thou, O Lord, singularly has settled me in hope.

'This confidence can never be in vain. 'No one has hoped in the Lord and has been confounded.

'I am assured, therefore, of my eternal happiness, for I firmly hope for it, and all my hope is in Thee. 'In Thee, O Lord, I have hoped; let me never be confounded.

'I know, alas! I know but too well that I am frail and changeable; I know the power of temptation against the strongest virtue. I have seen stars fall from heaven, and pillars of firmament totter; but these things alarm me not.

While I hope in Thee I am sheltered from all misfortune, and I am sure that my trust shall endure, for I rely upon Thee to sustain this unfailing hope.

Finally, I know that my confidence cannot exceed Thy bounty, and that I shall never receive less than I have hoped for from Thee. Therefore I hope that Thou wilt sustain me against my evil inclinations; that Thou wilt protect me against the most furious assaults of the evil one, and that Thou wilt cause my weakness to triumph over my most powerful enemies. I hope that Thou wilt never cease to love me, and that I shall love Thee unceasingly.

"In Thee, O Lord, have I hoped; let me never be confounded."

What "Virtual Friendship" Is Doing To Us

When "Know Thyself" Becomes "Show Thyself"

(Researcher Analyzes Costs of Virtual Friendship)

By Genevieve Pollock

WASHINGTON, D.C., APRIL 2, 2009 (Zenit.org).- Online social networking sites are gaining popularity, but they may be transforming our culture in unexpected negative ways, said a biotechnology expert.

Christine Rosen, author and senior editor of The New Atlantis: A Journal of Technology and Society, said this as part of the John Henry Cardinal Newman Lecture Series, sponsored by the Institute for the Psychological Sciences. The talk, titled "Virtual Friendship and the New Narcissism," was broadcast March 13 on the Internet.

Rosen noted the popularity of online social networking sites such as MySpace and Facebook, stating that the latter reported 150 million members in January. If Facebook was a country, she added, it would be the eighth most populated nation worldwide.

She prompted a closer look at these sites, observing that most people ask the question, "What is it doing for us?" The author acknowledged that these tools help to bring people together and improve social networks; a person homebound with a unique illness can connect with a community of others in the same situation.

She continued: "But I'd like to ask a different question: What is it doing to us? What is it doing to our sense of social boundaries? To our sense of individuality? To our friendships?"

The researcher underlined the need to question the role of technology, and how it has changed the understanding of friendship. She stated, "Friendship in these virtual spaces is thoroughly different from real-world friendship."

Personal transformation

Rosen noted, "These sites make some certain types of connections easier," but as they are not tied to geography or a community governed by its own social norms, they are subject to personal whims.

This, she said, "frees the person from any kind of responsibility that tends to come with membership in a community, and this changes the tenor of any relationships that tend to form there."

Traditionally, she observed, "friendship is a relationship which involves the sharing of mutual interests, reciprocity, trust, and the revelation of intimate details over time and within specific contexts." It depends on mutual revelations, and can only flourish within the boundaries of privacy.

On networking sites, however, there is a concept of "public friendship," which is fluid, promiscuous and bureaucratic.

The author asserted that "the very architecture of these sites is set up to get you to behave in a certain way." It emphasizes gathering friends, ranking and managing them. She noted that it promotes a "frantic friend procurement where more is better."

Rosen affirmed that this demand to collect friends and to perform constantly by marketing ourselves can undermine "our ability to attain what the site promises, a surer sense of who we are and where we belong."

Today's social networking sites organize themselves around the person's hobbies, interests and photographs, she observed, and thus "your entry into this world is through the revelation of personal information."

The author acknowledged that these sites make it "easier to stay in contact with a wider circle of people," but she noted that they "favor interaction of greater quantity," not necessarily greater quality.

Self-absorption

Rosen also pointed that the sites "are starting to encourage a different kind of narcissism." She added, "There are definitely opportunity costs when we spend so much time grooming ourselves online."

The researcher asked whether the time spent online is well-spent: "In investing so much energy in improving how we present ourselves online, are we missing opportunities to genuinely improve ourselves?"

The sites that encourage you to "broadcast yourself," which is the tagline for the video-sharing Web site YouTube, allows greater self-promotion than before, she noted, and can reinforce a belief that every mundane detail of our lives is worth publicizing.

She pointed out that many people engage in personal broadcasting just "because they can," but that they are often unaware that it also transforms who they are.

People are not just living in the moment, but are publicizing the moment, she said. It is a different level of experience that has real implications for the human person.

There is a cost, Rosen pointed out, seen in cases like the Florida man who committed suicide while people watched online. She explained: "The distance and abstraction of our online friendships and online relationships can lead to a kind of systemic desensitization as a culture if we are not careful about it. […] We expose everything, but are we feeling anything?"

The researcher noted along with the increase in online networking, there are increasing levels of reported loneliness. The sites make connections more convenient, taking the risk and real work out of a relationship and turning it into information.

She noted the arrival of a new networking site, boffery.com, which describes itself as "a place for you to document your sexual history and map your sexual connections."

People will always feel vulnerable about being cut off from the human community, she said, but these sites depend on a person's desire to reveal things about themselves or compare themselves to others, which can increase anxiety.

"Social networking sites have made our relationships more reliable," Rosen concluded, "but whether they have made them more satisfying remains to be seen."

Reiki Therapy Considered Unchristian

US Bishops Declare Reiki Therapy Unchristian
Denounce Its Use in Catholic Institutions

WASHINGTON, D.C., APRIL 1, 2009 (Zenit.org).- Reiki, a Japanese alternative medicine, lacks scientific credibility and is outside Christian faith, making it unacceptable for Catholic health care institutions, the U.S. bishops' conference stated.

On Saturday, the conference issued the "Guidelines for Evaluating Reiki as an Alternative Therapy," developed by their committee on doctrine, headed by Bishop William Lori of Bridgeport, Connecticut, and approved by the administrative committee Friday.

The document notes that "the Church recognizes two kinds of healing: healing by divine grace and healing that utilizes the powers of nature," which "are not mutually exclusive.

"Reiki, however, "finds no support either in the findings of natural science or in Christian belief," it explained.

The guidelines note that this technique of healing "was invented in Japan in the late 1800s by Mikao Usui, who was studying Buddhist texts."

The report continues: "According to Reiki teaching, illness is caused by some kind of disruption or imbalance in one's 'life energy.' A Reiki practitioner effects healing by placing his or her hands in certain positions on the patient's body in order to facilitate the flow of Reiki, the 'universal life energy,' from the Reiki practitioner to the patient."

Spiritual healing

It further explains that the therapy has several aspects of a religion, being "described as a 'spiritual' kind of healing," with its own ethical precepts or "way of life."

Reiki "has not been accepted by the scientific and medical communities as an effective therapy," noted the guidelines. "Reputable scientific studies attesting to the efficacy of Reiki are lacking, as is a plausible scientific explanation as to how it could possibly be efficacious."

Nor can faith be the basis of this therapy, the bishops affirmed, as Reiki is different than the "divine healing known by Christians."

They explained, "The radical difference can be immediately seen in the fact that for the Reiki practitioner the healing power is at human disposal." For Christians, they said, "access to divine healing is by prayer to Christ as Lord and Savior," while Reiki is a technique passed from "master" to pupil, a method that will "reliably produce the anticipated results."

Insoluble problems

The guidelines state: "For a Catholic to believe in Reiki therapy presents insoluble problems. In terms of caring for one's physical health or the physical health of others, to employ a technique that has no scientific support -- or even plausibility -- is generally not prudent."

On a spiritual level, the document states, "there are important dangers." It explains: "To use Reiki one would have to accept at least in an implicit way central elements of the worldview that undergirds Reiki theory, elements that belong neither to Christian faith nor to natural science.

"Without justification either from Christian faith or natural science, however, a Catholic who puts his or her trust in Reiki would be operating in the realm of superstition, the no-man's-land that is neither faith nor science.

"Superstition corrupts one's worship of God by turning one's religious feeling and practice in a false direction. While sometimes people fall into superstition through ignorance, it is the responsibility of all who teach in the name of the Church to eliminate such ignorance as much as possible.

"The document concludes, "Since Reiki therapy is not compatible with either Christian teaching or scientific evidence, it would be inappropriate for Catholic institutions, such as Catholic health care facilities and retreat centers, or persons representing the Church, such as Catholic chaplains, to promote or to provide support for Reiki therapy."

Seek The Verdict Of Conscience

“While we should strive for spiritual perfection of mind, purity and peace in God, it will be found to be not a little beneficial to this that we should return quietly into the inner secret place of the mind in the face of everything said, thought or done to us. There, withdrawn from everything else and completely recollected within ourselves, we can place ourselves in the knowledge of the truth before us and undoubtedly discover and understand that it does us absolutely no good, and rather the contrary, when we are praised or honoured by others while we recognise by the knowledge of the truth about ourselves within that we are blameworthy and guilty.

And just as nothing is any help if externally people praise someone if his conscience internally accuses him, in the same way on the contrary it does a man no harm to be despised, maligned and persecuted when he remains internally just as innocent, blameless and without fault. On the contrary he has all the more good reason to rejoice in the Lord with patience, in peace and silence. After all no adversity can do any harm where evil is not in control, and just as no evil goes unpunished, so no good goes unrewarded. Nor should we wish a reward with hypocrites or expect and receive profit from men, but from the Lord God alone, not in the present, but in the future, and not in fleeting time, but in eternity.

It is clear therefore that nothing is greater, and nothing better than to enter into the inner secret place of the mind always and in every tribulation and occurrence, and there to call upon the Lord Jesus Christ himself, our helper in temptations and tribulations, and to humble ourselves there by confession of sin, and praise God and Father himself, the giver of correction and the giver of consolation.

Above all one should accept everything, in general and individually, in oneself or in others, agreeable or disagreeable, with a prompt and confident spirit, as coming from the hand of his infallible Providence or the order he has arranged. This attitude will lead to the forgiveness of our sins, the deliverance from bitterness, the enjoyment of joy and security, the outpouring of grace and mercy, introduction and establishment into a close relationship with God, abundant enjoyment of his presence, and firm cleaving and union with him.

But let us not copy those who from hypocrisy and Pharisaism want to appear better and different from what they are, and to make a better impression and appearance before men of being something special, than they know in truth inside to be so. For it is absolute madness to seek, hunger for and aspire to human praise or renown, from oneself or others, when one is in spite of it all inwardly full of cravings and serious faults.

And certainly the good things we have talked about above will flee him who chases such vanities, and he will merely bring disgrace on himself. So always keep your faults and your own incapacity before your eyes, and know yourself, so that you can be humbled and not try to avoid being held as the lowest, vilest and most abject scum by everyone when you are aware of the grave sins and serious faults in yourself.

For which reason consider yourself compared to others as dross to gold, weeds to the wheat, chaff to the grain, a wolf to the sheep, Satan to the children of God. And do not seek to be respected by others and given precedence before others, but rather flee with all your heart and soul the poison of this disease, the venom of praise, the concern for boasting and vanity, lest, as the prophet says, The wicked is praised in his own heart’s desires, (Psalm 10.4) and Isaiah, They who speak good of you, deceive you and destroy the way of your feet, (Isaiah 3.12) and the Lord in Luke, Woe to you when men speak well of you! (Luke 6.26).”

That we should seek the verdict of our conscience in every decision – On Cleaving to God

– SAINT ALBERT THE GREAT

(This was taken from the internet website: AETERNUS )

A Humble Opinion Of Oneself

"You don't love in your enemies what they are, but what you would have them become by your prayers." (ST. AUGUSTINE)

"If it seems to you that you know many things and thoroughly understand them all, realize that there are countless other things of which you are ignorant. Be not haughty, but admit your ignorance. Why should you prefer yourself to another, when there are many who are more learned and better trained in God's law than you are? If you are looking for knowledge and a learning that is useful to you, then love to be unknown and be esteemed as nothing. ... It is great wisdom and perfection to consider ourselves as nothing and always to judge well and highly of others. If you should see someone commit a sin or some grievous wrong, do not think of yourself as someone better, for you know not how long you will remain in good state. We are all frail; but think of yourself as one who is more frail than others." (THOMAS A' KEMPIS, from the book THE IMITATION OF CHRIST)

Prayer, A Way Of Learning Hope

"... When I can no longer talk to anyone or call upon anyone, I can always talk to God. When there is no longer anyone to help me deal with a need or expectation that goes beyond the human capacity for hope, he can help me. When I have been plunged into complete solitude ... if I pray I am never totally alone. The late Cardinal Nguyen Van Thuan, a prisoner for thirteen years, nine of them spent in solitary confinement, has left us a precious little book:
Prayers of Hope. During thirteen years in jail, in a situation of seemingly utter hopelessness, the fact that he could listen and speak to God became for him an increasing power of hope, which enabled him, after his release, to become for people all over the world a witness to hope - to that great hope which does not wane even in the nights of solitude."

"Saint Augustine in a homily on the First Letter of John, describes very beautifully the intimate relationship between prayer and hope. He difines prayer as an exercise of desire. Man was created for greatness - for God himself; he was created to be filled by God. But his heart is too small for the greatness to which it is destined. It must be stretched. 'By delaying [this gift], God strengthens our desire; through desire he enlarges our soul and by expanding it he increases its capacity [for receiving him]'. ... 'Suppose that God wishes to fill you with honey [a symbol of God's tenderness and goodness]; but if you are full of vinegar, where will you put the honey?' The vessel, that is your heart, must first be enlarged and then cleansed, freed from the vinegar and its taste. This requires hard work and is painful, but in this way alone do we become suited to that for which we are destined. ... not only are we made free for God, but we also become open to others. ... To pray is not to step outside history and withdraw to our own private corner of happiness. When we pray properly we undergo a process of inner purification which opens us up to God and thus to our fellow human beings as well. In prayer we must learn what we can truly ask of God - what is worthy of God. We must learn that we cannot pray against others. We must learn that we cannot ask for the superficial and comfortable things that we desire at this moment - that meagre, misplaced hope that leads us away from God. We must learn to purify our desires and our hopes. We must free ourselves from the hidden lies with which we deceive ourselves. God sees through them, and when we come before God, we too are forced to recognize them. "But who can disceern his errors? Clear me from hidden faults." (Psalms 19:12 [18:13]) Failure to recognize my guilt, the illusion of my innocence, does not justify me and does not save me, because I am culpable for the numbness of my conscience and my incapacity to recognize the evil in me for what it is. If God does not exist, perhaps I have to seek refuge in these lies, because there is no one who can forgive me; no one who is the true criterion. Yet my encounter with God awakens my conscience in such a way that it no longer aims at self-justification, and is no longer a mere reflection of me and those of my contemporaries who shape my thinking, but it becomes a capacity for listening to the Good itself." (Spe Salvi, - Encyclical Letter of Pope Benedict XVI on Christian Hope, paragraphs 32-33)

Parenting (A Synopsis)

Parenting Moment By Moment

Do you ever feel you're not a good parent? ... Do you find yourself looking at your child sometimes, and wonder where have you gone wrong? Do you sometimes conclude in your thinking that your kid's misbehavior and sometimes defiance is your fault? "Maybe I've been too hard on him," you reason with yourself. Or, "Possibly I've not been hard enough!"

The point in this reading today is, "Begin where you are in this moment, regardless of what has happened before. God has not only given you your child to parent, but He also gives you what you need, moment-by-moment, so that you "can" parent your child.

Without forgiveness as a cool soothing cream to apply gently on ourselves, there is no way we can parent our children effectively in the manner we must.

Did a while ago anger, doubt, fear or impatience surge from your lips in the heat of a moment? Then welcome the next moment. It is new. The one you are in now. View it as an opportunity to be what you can be then. Take into yourself the love, patience and forgiveness God gives you from Himself. Remember, He is a Parent too. Knowing this, you can pass this love, patience and forgiveness to your son or daughter afresh and anew.

Forgive yourself. You "are" a good enough parent. Don't let unnecessary guilt take your strength away.

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFC

************

Has your parent broken the "law" in any way? I mean specifically in relationship with you. Has your mom or dad "abused" you, as it were, in a way that is legislatively declared "illegal"? ... OK. If not, then you have the responsibility as their kid to be "respectful" and "kind" to them. It is necessary that you speak and act toward your father and mother in ways that do not bring stress upon them.

You see, it's your parents duty to provide a place for you to live. You are to have food and clothing. Beyond this, the rest is just "icing on the cake", so to speak.

My point is this, "Being a parent is difficult." If that was all your parents had to do was "parent you", then "parenting you" would not be so difficult!

But you see, you are "not" the only thing going on in your parents' lives. Your mom and dad have jobs to do, bills to pay, a house to clean, and grocery carts to push at the store to keep you fed. I mean there's like a "thousand" other details they have to care of beyond just thinking of you!

A good idea would be for you to sometime "thank your parents for how they are so nice to you." (They don't have to be so nice, and you know it!)

I know telling your parents you appreciate them asking a lot. (Or so you might think.) But actually, doing this is not as "difficult" as you might think. Yet, if it "is" that difficult for you, then "write something nice on a piece of paper and act like you accidently dropped the paper at their feet while passing by them! If you have to, run out of the building rapidly after doing so. Do "anything" it takes to get a the least bit of thankfulness across to them!!!

Remember, you might be a parent yourself someday. If this happens, may God help you, because you will need it!!!

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFC

Train Up A Child??? (Help!!!)

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not depart from it." (Proverbs 22:6)

Is this statement from the Bible true? Based on what we see today, it is easy to believe that this well known and much studied verse is out of date, insignificant, and has entirely lost its influence.

Let me tell you now, this profound psychological principal embedded in scripture, remains valid today. It is more true today than perhaps ever before.

Then why are we losing confidence in this ancient proverb? For what reason have we "lost touch" with this vital principle, as we as well-meaning parents, search for ways to raise our children?

It is because, in many families, it is the "children" who are training "parents" in how "they", the children, wish to be raised!

A child can "turn-the-tables" on his or her parents. A mom and a dad can "think" they are parenting when they're not! A child can "parent the parents" on how to parent. All this, remarkably, while the child, not even for a second, assumes no responsibility to respect the needs and wishes of others.

There are many ways this is accomplished in homes. For now let me ask you, do you ever become "weary" of the fight? Do you ever just "give-in" to the demands of your son or daughter, just so there can be some "peace" at the end of the day? Then your child, regardless of age or weight beyond infancy, is using "shere fatigue", your fatigue, to train you in how he (or she) will be parented.

There are many other tricks used against parents to rob you of your empowerment as a parent. Not only from children, but also from the society we live in. ... More on this later. ...

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
Supervisor: Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT

The Umbrella Of Parental Authority

When a kid shows basic respect and honor to his parents or guardians, he or she is "protected" under that parental "umbrella of authority." One example of this is when a child continues angry defiance against parents, that child is left to depend upon his or her own "reasoning" to "make sense of the world."

All adults understand how confusing matters of the world can be. Think of how that is like for s newly maturing mind of a child or teenager. Because of this, when a son or daughter gives basic respect to the thoughts and feelings of his or her parents, that child can trust that the adults in charge in the family know best what decisions and actions are best for the problems in the world. Then, for the periods of childhood and adolescence, the young one has the luxury and safety to not "worry" about such complicated and profound matters. Instead he or she need only experience childhood and adolescence with all its enjoyments and opportunities as they happen daily towards personal growth.

"What about the war in Iraq," ... "World hunger", ... "Who will be our country's next president, and what will happen when that president is elected?" A child who has reasonable respect for mom and dad need not worry about such matters, for he or she knows decisions of this kind can be trusted to the more experienced intellects of father, mother, grandfather, grandmother, teacher, principal, pastor or priest.

Basically, if a child thinks his parents are "stupid", then that child's mind has no alternative but to default to solving major problems in life "alone" intellectually, before he has acquired coping skills to do so. This subtle, but stressful, mental experience is enough to drive any kid to anger, depression, drugs, fighting, arguing, defiance and many other bad decisions and behaviors.

Let's return to realizing the great honor of being a parent in our childrens' lives. And if they defy our healthy judgment, may we remember the valuable, God-given position we occupy.

Written by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI
(Supervised by Peter Mosgofian, MA, MFT)

Unborn Worthy To Live

Building Emotional Walls

Once upon a time there was a family who lived in a beautiful house. The family had lots of the material things that many people think are important for contentment. The family, however, was not contented. With one misunderstanding and another, the situation grew worse and worse. Nobody would give way an inch in their bitter arguments, until at last the family's love turned to hate. Finally certain ones in the family insisted that inside the house they would build brick walls to divide other family members. Each went his and her own way, and each never spoke to the others again as long as they lived. The family had many wretched years in their isolation.

Today's Reminder
Am I unknowingly building walls between myself and the people in my family? Are the walls being made of stubbornness, self-will, self-righteousness and a desire to punish? Such walls can be as hard and unyielding as though they were made of real bricks. It would leave me no space in which to grow.

"God grant me the wisdom to recognize the faults I am building into walls, such walls as cannot be penetrated even by love."

[Taken and fashioned from "One Day At A Time In Al-Anon
for general family relationships by Jim Hogue, MA, MFTI]

The Role of Father in Raising Children

A father must “come between” a mother and her child to sever the child’s natural bond of dependence on the mother and to lead the child out into the world so that the child can develop his or her talents and take up a meaningful, productive life of honesty and integrity.

All of us have experienced the delight of being fed and protected when we were helpless infants. In fact, if we don’t experience it, we die. And the delight of this early infantile experience, which makes no demands on us and leaves us free simply to enjoy it, is at the root of our adult yearnings for a “utopia” in which all of our needs are taken care of effortlessly.

But to function responsibly as an adult, a child must pass beyond this care-free infantile state of dependence. If this task fails, the child will remain neurotically dependent on maternal protection and will be afflicted with doubts and anxieties about assuming personal responsibility in the world. Moreover, the child’s talents will either remain buried in fear or will be expressed largely through an unconscious grandiosity. And, in its most severe manifestations, alcoholism and drug addictions can develop in adolescence and adulthood, because all addictions have their roots in a desire to escape the demands of personal responsibilities and return to an idyllic feeling of care-free bliss.

A child, therefore, has three essential tasks which must be accomplished under the guidance of a father.

1. To learn how the world works.
The father must teach the child not only about the abstract—and often dangerous—dynamics of social relationships beyond the family itself but must also provide instruction in the practical rules governing the physical world, including honest, productive work in the world.

Imagine a primitive society of forest dwellers. To teach the child how the world “works,” the father must take the child out into the depths of the forest and show the child how to survive and eat by using weapons, building fires, and making shelters. Now, the modern world may not be a forest anymore—though it is often enough called a jungle—yet the forest metaphor aptly describes the process by which a father must teach a child “how the world works.”

2. To learn to trust.

Yes, a child will more-or-less “trust” a nurturing mother. This sort of trust, though, is a necessary part of mother-infant bonding for the sake of the infant’s physical survival.

Real trust requires that the child grow to depend on and respect the father, a person different from the mother from whom the child originated; that is, the father is a different body and a different gender from the mother. The father—and only a father—can therefore teach the child to enter the world and encounter difference confidently. But, to be a successful teacher, the father must teach this from the place of his own faith and obedience. In other words, the father must live from his heart by the rules he teaches to his children. In this way the children can learn to trust him through his own integrity. Otherwise, the children will see him for a hypocrite and will disavow—openly or secretly—everything he represents.

3. To learn to trust oneself.

As a child receives instruction from a trustworthy father and develops a sense of confidence under the father’s compassionate guidance, the child will then be able to function more and more independently, assimilating the father’s external guidance into an internal, psychological confidence.

First the father builds a fire, saying to the child, “Watch me.” Then the father encourages the child to build the fire. Finally the child goes off into the forest alone, and builds a fire on his own, confident in what he learned from his father.

*Lack*

Now, considering all of this about the role of a father, look about you and see how many fathers fail miserably in their responsibilities. How many fathers are absent from the family because they were nothing more than sperm donors in a moment of lust? How many fathers are absent from the family because of divorce? How many fathers are absent from the family because their adultery draws them away to another woman? How many fathers are absent from the family because they are emotionally insensitive to their children’s needs? How many fathers are absent from the family because they are preoccupied with work or sports? How many fathers are absent from the family because they are preoccupied with their own pride and arrogance? How many fathers are absent from the family because of alcoholism? How many fathers are absent from the family because of illness? How many fathers are absent from the family because a woman decided she didn’t need a man to have a child? It can go on and on. And it does.

And the sad thing is that when a father is absent—whether physically or emotionally—his lack causes a lack in the children. Lacking understanding of how the world works, lacking trust in others, and lacking trust in themselves, children—whether they be boys or girls—become lost, insecure, and confused. They lack confidence. They lack real faith. They lack a spiritually meaningful future. They lack life. All because their fathers were lacking.

Please note, though, that all of this lack resulting from the lack of a father is, in many cases, largely unconscious.

Yes, some persons are truly crippled—both emotionally and socially—by the lack of a father, and their lives become dysfunctional and stuck.

But other persons are able to keep up a surface appearance of functionality; they hold jobs, they get married, and they have children. Yet under the surface of normality a deep secret of anger and victimization is buried. Here are the dark roots of symptom after symptom of secret resentment for the father. Argumentativeness. Passive-aggression. Suspiciousness. Trying to make others “face the truth.” Being late for appointments. Procrastination. Learning disorders. Difficulty following directions or reading maps. Getting lost. Mental confusion at just the times when clarity of thought is needed. And all addictions—not just drug and alcohol addiction, but also obesity, cigarette smoking, and pornography. This list can go on and on. And it does. All because a father, in his physical, emotional, or spiritual absence, failed to instill in a child a sense of inner stability, trust, and confidence.

(This article is again a work of Dr. Raymond Lloyd Richmond.
For this and other writings by him, go to The Role Of Father .)

Depression & Suicide

He was about 7 years old. It was after dinner, and the evening sun of midsummer still hung low in the sky. Suddenly, he ran into the house and threw himself onto his bed, crying, saying, over and over through his tears, “I wish I were dead.”

Dr. Raymond Lloyd Richmond continues to write: ... As I look back on this event, I can now also recall the rest of the story. My mother had denied me something I wanted (though what it was is long forgotten), I felt unrecognized and unloved, and I was angry at her. In my mind, I began to wish she were dead—but only for a split second, because on the edge of consciousness it occurred to me that if she were to die, I would have no mother and that I would be left all alone in the world with no one to take care of me. So my mind quickly turned away from that wish for her death, with all of it’s lonely implications, and, feeling quite guilty about the whole thing, I began to wish for my own death. After all, what kind of a person could be so dependent on someone else, so helpless and afraid? A no good piece of nothing, that’s who, and he deserves to die.

In psychological terms, I repressed my anger for my mother and ended up turning my frustration against myself. The proverb “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” sums this up nicely. It’s a terrible bind for a child. And, if it happens often enough, it can prevent the child from being able to express emotions appropriately—because with every angry thought comes the fear of losing someone’s love or protection.

In my own life, beginning with my psychoanalysis as a student, I have had to come to terms with this event and how it has affected my life. I, like many of my own patients, have been forced as an adult to learn how to come to terms honestly with feelings of insult and hurt.

Now, the fleeting suicidal fantasy that I encountered in that moment of childhood frustration was not a clinical case of suicidal depression. Nevertheless, in my professional experience I have seen the dynamic of suppressed anger as a major motive behind clinical depression, and ultimately, as the unconscious motive for serious suicidal thoughts. Someone close to you hurts you, and “Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” kicks in from childhood. Fearing the loss of that person’s love, you keep silent about your feelings and ultimately—as a way to escape the guilt of your dependency—you begin wishing for your own destruction. (Which, as an adult, you actually have the power to bring about.)

But there is one other element to the process.

It isn’t just that a person fails to communicate with others honestly. If you are hurt often enough, in keeping silent about it, and in feeling guilty about being so dependent on someone’s love, you can begin to believe not just that you are unloved but that you are despised. If you ever reach this point you then seemingly become a “partner” in your own destruction.

In fact, some persons will even kill themselves to avoid admitting that their parents did not love them—that is, that the parents did not acknowledge the child’s individual needs with true love.

Has anyone ever pushed you away when you wanted to be held? Has anyone ever given more attention to a bottle of alcohol than to you? Has anyone ever laughed at you when you were hurt? Has anyone ever told you that you were too dumb to succeed? Has anyone ever refused you help when you asked for it? Do you get the idea? No one may have actually told you to kill yourself, but all these sorts of behavioral cues give a clear impression: “You are of no importance to me.” “I have no concern for you.” “You’re not special.” “You don’t deserve to be alive.” “You are garbage.”

So, to the “Other,” you (and all of us, for that matter) are just an object to be manipulated to satisfy someone else. It’s a losing game to try to make the “Other” love you. It’s a losing game to make the “Other” say you’re special. Sure, you can try to do all the right things, like drink the right brand of cola, eat at the right fast-food place, wear the right jeans, expose all the right pieces of flesh, pierce and tattoo yourself in the right places, use the right lingo, work for the right company—but once you slip up, then it’s the garbage can for you.

Thus you can “tune in” to the resentment of others subliminally, and, if you’re not psychologically aware, you can come to believe that these perceptions you receive from others are truth and reality about your personal value—or lack of it.

I’m not trying to tell you here that no one feels affection for you. You can argue all you want that your mother and father care about you somehow, and I won’t object, because on some level they do care about you. The real point is that many persons who claim to care about you also give indications, through behaviors and things they say and think, that their affection for you is mixed with resentment. Thus, instead of teaching you how to love by the example of true love, they “infect” you emotionally with a fear of love. It’s not pretty to see this directly, so that’s why you have defenses that blind you to it. But it’s real. At the core, that’s where suicidal feelings originate. Not that anyone is necessarily literally wishing you to die, but that the feeling of resentment that they project can get so strong that you end up feeling like garbage. And from there it is only one small step to make yourself garbage.

So, once your psychotherapy drags you through the pain of this realization about human nature—and you accept it all without defense and resistance—you will then have the strength to “see through” the illusions of the “Other” and claim your own right to exist.

(For the above quote, go to Depression And Suicide by Dr. Raymond Lloyd Richmond.)

True Love (What Is It?) [1 of 8]

True Love (Many Don't Understand) [2 of 8]

True Love (What Is Imitation Love?) [3 of 8]

True Love (How It Can Turn Bad) [4 of 8]

True Love (When A Relationship Dies) [5 of 8]