Am I in love? Most young people, especially when in their teens, ask themselves that sometime. They know it feels good. They want to have a happy life, and they think, and are not so wrong, that a good choice of a marriage partner makes a vital difference. It does.
But even though there is perhaps more talk of love today than in the past, not everyone knows what love is. Many think it is a feeling. Thank heavens it is not merely that. You could not build a lifelong marriage on feelings -they flicker too much. ...
We start with a remarkable idea from modern Psychology, namely, "Somatic Resonance". It says this: since we are made of two parts, body and soul, matter and spirit, and since, further, these two are so closely put together that they make just one person, then, as a result, if I have a condition on one of the two sides, for smooth running I need a parallel condition on the other side.
To illustrate. A great innovator in modern psychology was Thomas Vernor Moore. He practiced psychiatry in D. C.. One day, he reported in a book, that a man who had manic depressive psychosis came to him for help. At the time, he was down in the deep black part of the cycle, in depression. He said he was losing his faith. Moore in writing it up said no, the man was not losing his faith. He said the real trouble was this: the process - Moore meant biochemistry - of his disease was interfering with the somatic resonance to his faith.
Here it is: faith was of course on the side of the spirit, but the bad chemistry was on the side of the body. Because of this remarkable tie between the two parts, that bad chemistry affected what he thought was his faith. It could not expel faith, (when the patient came up out of that black swing he still had his faith.) But it was keeping faith from functioning. No wonder the poor man thought he was losing his faith.
We can use this idea of "somatic resonance". We ask: where in a human is love? We reply, it is basically on the side of the soul, but it normally has a resonance in the body. We are glad to learn this, for something in the spiritual soul can last even a lifetime; something on the body side alone would be unstable, would flicker.
... We see that love is basically in our wills, it is the will, wish, or desire for the happiness and well-being of another for the other's sake. ... There is a broad spectrum of things that can be the resonance: at one end of the scale is the nonsexual love of parents for their own children - at the other end is explicitly sexual response - and points in between.
But now we see there is room to make a mistake. Someone could mistake that biochemistry, that bodily part of the picture, for the central thing, for love in the soul. And if he/she would not only make that mistake, but marry on the strength of a mistake, ... (that) is enough to make any sensible person really careful. A failed marriage is one of the greatest tragedies of a lifetime. So we need to watch out.
Then: how can anyone tell if he/she has real love, or only just chemistry that mimics love? ... To understand it, we need to look at the tremendous psychological design made by our Father in Heaven.
We all start out life as babies - no other way to do it. But a baby is perfectly selfish. If he could talk he would say: These big giants around me - they are here to give me what I want, when I want it, as I want it. Or I will fix them: Waa!
Is such a baby ready for real love, for willing good to another for the other's sake? Far from it: it is completely in a shell of self. But then: How can he get away from that shell to the point where he can really be interested in the well-being of another for the other's sake? That takes some doing. Our Father's plan has arranged a marvelous "machinery" as it were. If we use it the way He built it, it will work wonders - if not, the results may look good, but will be foul on the inside, and in time, one must pay.
We follow the development. Baby soon plays with other little ones, and soon makes a horrifying discovery: "Why that little guy thinks he has some rights - he does not. I am the only one who has rights." They are fighting over a toy. There are many such incidents, and a beginning is made of chipping away at the shell of self.
Around age 9 for boys - and similar for girls - comes a time many psychologists call the flight of the sexes. Little boys have no use for little girls - and vice versa. But this too is part of our Father's plan: He wants them to run away from each other to develop their own special characteristics, to prepare for the next stage.
This next stage comes automatically, when biochemistry changes, when certain hormones start to operate. Then, to his surprise, one day little boy sees a girl, and says to himself, "She is wonderful, marvelous! ... In this new phase two powerful processes begin to work. If we use them the way our Father has planned, they develop real love - if not, only a sad counterfeit that look the same to a confused eye.
First, love as we said means "willing good to the other for the other's sake." Psychologically the process starts when a boy or girl sees something fine in the other: ...
We said something can go wrong - or rather, the person can make it go wrong. In two ways: First if he/she uses sex for private entertainment, masturbation, that does not get one out of the shell of self where he/she started. No, it turns one back right into that shell - a poor forecast for a happy marriage which needs real unselfishness and love.
The second way that is selfish takes two, namely, two people use each other for sensory pleasure. That word's use, "sensory pleasure", is really right: if they do that, they are not only not watching for the happiness and welfare of the other - they are putting each other into a state such that if death happened along, they would be miserable forever. This is more like hatred than love, for there is no "willing good" to the other for the other's sake. They, we said, are "using" each other.
It is easy to see that real love can hardly develop when people are using each other, instead of really wanting the happiness of the other. Yes, they are giving sensory stimulation, very strong at that. But that is not the same as love.
But, tragically, this will feel the same as if there were real love, the biochemistry is identical. But in such a premarital pattern real love could hardly develop. It is closer to hatred. since it endangers the real, permanent happiness of the other.
Next we see: it is so easy for a person to make the mistake of a lifetime, in mistaking chemistry for love. In time, when emotions simmer down after marriage, he/she will find out it had been only chemistry. ...
But to look at the pleasant side of the picture: if the people play the game as our Father designed it, it will really develop powerful love, and make for a happy life in the future. Male and female psychology are terribly different. ... During courtship, these differences cannot be seen - they are all papered over by intense emotion. But as we said, after marriage, things do simmer down - and then they find out. They may find themselves locked into the same house with someone they do not really love at all. This is a real tragedy, one of life's greatest tragedies.
Even in a fine match, each one will be able to say honestly: I have to give in most of the time to make this work. But if they play the game as our Father designed it, they will find that they can make the sacrifices that are needed and can be quite content and happy in doing so. ... In fact, if they positively intend to do things and accept sacrifices as part of our Father's plan, then marriage is, as Pope John Paul VI said, "a long path toward sanctification." Then, for example, if the baby cries at 3 AM, if the Mother or Father intends to take care of the baby as a part of our Father's plan, then that time can rightly be called a holy hour.
But: how can one protect against making the dreadful mistake some make, who react in the opposite way? First of all, as we said, play the game the way our Father has designed it. That really will generate love. But also, have enough good sense to ask for help. ...
As we said, male and female psychology are tremendously different. Even in a fine match, there will be disagreements, probably some of them strong, in a marriage. But what if one marries someone of a very different culture , or even a different religion? Then the potential for trouble is greatly multiplied. Again, one with good sense will use really great care.
... God wants us to follow Him for two reasons: 1) He loves everything that is good, and that goodness calls us to follow Him; 2)He wants intensely to give us good things and happiness. For that, we need to be open to receive: His commands really are instructions about how to be open. At the same time, they steer us away from "traps" that lie in the very nature of things, such as hangovers after a drinking, or a loveless marriage after a lot of premarital sex.
Long ago when we first had electric refrigerators, the instructions told us that if we wanted the freezer in the refrigerator to be cold, we would need to occasionally "defrost" the freezer, which involved taking the ice out. Someone might say: That manufacturer is silly: "ice makes things cold", how can that be "good" for a refrigerator! Similarly, to one in a daze from emotion, our Father's plans may seem foolish. But He is our manufacturer. He knows how we are built. If we did not defrost the old fridge, it would not work well - neither will a human life work well if we do not follow His principles, which tell us at times to do what our feelings seem to say is a mistake.
God wants our eternal happiness so much He sent His only Son to a hideous death to open up the possibilities of eternal happiness for us. Cannot we trust Him? He wants us to be happy here, and hereafter too.
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