It is important that we remember men are not women, and women are not men. Forgive me for beginning this way, but the point is important. Literally, both brain constructruction and brain chemistry of men are greatly different than that of women. This contributes generally to men wishing to speak less, and women wishing to speak more. Especially during instances of stress, confusion, conflict and sadness.
You see, almost always, when men talk, the act of speech itself is for a particular purpose, with a precise mission or goal in mind. "Talk" alone among men becomes boring, unless it is one joke to another, or something in common to "figure-out".
With women, however, when women speak, it is most often for the experience of "speaking itself." Remarkably, it is the act of speech alone, with that articulation listened to, that brings meaning and procedure of process to the thoughts and feelings of our wives.
But in way of comparison, notice how that when men are troubled over a situation, they tend to fixate on something insignificant in order for thoughts and feelings to position themselves automatically into "drawers" and "cubbards" so to speak, quietly in the male's mind. This can be done often when a husband reads a newspaper, watches a sporting event, or sharpens his collection of knives just to have something to do. Over time, as if by a magic, the answer the man is looking for to the problem he thinks he's having, arrives to his awareness. It is then that the husband is ready to share his solution to the problem with his wife.
With wives, on the other hand, generally speaking, a woman does not always easily formulate what she wishes to say based on a time table. Verbalizing what is troubling her usually requires freedom of expression of her thoughts and feelings, without restraint, and that, to someone the woman considers meaningful and important to her (husband). [The experience can be described as she saying things that fall to the floor as fragments. The fragments put together at the end make sense both to her and the listener.]
At first, however, this confuses and confounds men. Most of us never had this explained to us, nor did the majority of we husbands grow up in homes where we saw father's show loving patience and grace with their wives. As a result, husbands tend to try to "fix" the problem they think their wives are sharing with them about 30 seconds into the wife's conversation. This "attempt-to-fix-the-problem-by-the-husband" interupts the process of speaking by the wife, which offends and sometimes hurts her deeply. The reason this hurts the wife, is basically because the wife is not sharing with her husband in order that he might "fix" either "her" or "something", but that he might "listen" and be witness to her repairing of herself merely by his listening presence!
But men state their main point in the first sentence of conversation (Like I just did). Whatever a husband mentions after that is either wasted speach, or less important words to support his original statement. With women it is different. The first point a woman makes in the activity of conversation with her husband is "never" her main point. No, the main point that a woman makes with her husband is always her "last" point, and that last point, or statement, will often arrive in the conversation at some unpredictable time in the future!
Or so it seems to men, for husbands generally grow weary of listening to their wives. ... Why is this?
The answer is simple. Actually, so simple that we miss it. ... Men keep trying to think like women, and this is unfortunate. For God made husbands brains male for a reason. First of all, that is not possible for men to think like women, and second, even if men "were" able to think like women, it would "kill" them!!!
No, the reason men become weary of listening to their wives, is because men think in ways that are "linear" and "one dimensinal". What I mean is, it is not meant that a husband "connect-the-dots", so to speak, on everything his wife discloses in her efforts to speak with him. The up's and the down's, the "roller-coaster" a wife goes through in her mind and heart as a course of life would render any man's brain physically exhausted. Instead, a husband is to exercise his one dimentional, linear mind for the single purpose of again falling in love with the mere sound of his wife's voice. The husband is to call to his remeberance what he originally found beautiful in his wife's eyes and detailed expressions. The twinkle as she speaks of things that the husband would normally not find important, but now find important because his wife speaks them and makes them beautiful because she is beautiful. A loving husband that wishes to listen, cannot do this if he mistakenly believes he must keep track with what would leave him tired and fatigued.
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In conclusion, husband. Do yourself a favor, as well as do your wife a favor. Stop thinking you've got to solve everything. Stop believing that you were even meant to ever keep up with every complexity of your wife's words and statements as she discloses with you experiences of thought and feeling only "she" can survive! Thank God that your wife is the woman, and that you remain the husband in your marriage. If she moves from issue-to-issue, let her do so. It simply means that's what she needs to do. Your job, sir, is only to love and cherish her. That's more simple than what your wife goes through being a woman.
In other words, let "your wife" be the "thinker", let "your wife" be the "feeler", let "your wife" be the "speaker", while you watch in confidence as she performs what is necessary for her own normal female emotional processing. Cherish the mere sound of her voice as you once did. Watch her eyes and love them like you once did. ... When finally your wife stops talking, ask her something about what she just said, so that she talks a little longer. Do this just so you can watch how beautiful she is to you as she honors you by sharing the things she wishes you to know and no one else.
In time, every time, a twinkle will come into her eyes. Then in the end when your wife's process of speach is completed, something amazing will happen few men today have witnessed in women around them. What earlier seemed caotic and confusing in your wife's speach, will suddenly become clear and make sense to you. She will sigh a heavy sigh, then finally tell you what is her main point. Her final statement will be a relief to stress, and a blessing of truth for both of you. To me, as a man, frankly, I remain a bit amazed each time I see this process take place in women, both in my marriage with my wife, as well as the marriages of couples I counsel.
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