When we speak angrily in negative criticism about a person, we attack or cricize in that person not that person's legitimate weakness or misdeed, but instead we attack that person's greatest strength, or gift, to hide that very wrong or flaw in ourselves.
Of course, there are primarily two kinds of criticism. One kind of criticism is good. Another kind of criticism is bad. Good criticism is presented to a listener in love and kindness. Good criticism is thought out beforehand, then shared insightfully. It is criticism meant to do good for the one spoken to. It is information presented in a way that might best be received by the one spoken to for his or her personal wellbeing. Bad criticism, on the other hand, targets the one criticized in a spirit of anger, frustration, impatience and irritation. So, why do we people criticize negatively, I mean the bad criticism? Let us be clear, the reason we criticize in a bad way is "never" to change another. Instead it is to change ourselves. When we as humans criticize in venting rage or anger, we attack in another that other person's greatest gift, in order to conceal an opposite and polarizing flaw or wrong in ourselves. This statement is the first principle in a long beautiful process of understanding true Catholic Christianity. It is the "first brick" in an "entire cathedral" of Catholic historical experience that has transformed men and women into saints, foundations of Christ's Church in a history spanning more than nineteen centuries.
In current psychology it is called an "ego defense mechanism". But no, Sigmund Freud did not invent the concept. It was first spoken by Jesus in His sermon on the mount (Matthew chapters 5, 6 and 7). When we criticize another person, (yes, even when that other person is in our family,) we not only harm that other person, but we also destroy something vital in ourselves. I will develop this later, step-by-step, but for now, to begin with, remember: Without fail, every time and continually, whenever we criticize angrily or with sarcasm, we are subconsciously not seeking to change the other person, but are instead seeking to change ourselves in a way that is unhealthy. "Words we speak in anger, attack the very gift, the very strength in another, to hide that precise flaw or wrong in ourselves!"
It is like the art of using a divining rod. When a man cuts a limb from a tree, then uses it to find water in the ground. He walks around holding the forked branch with amazing sensitivity. Finally the man stops and proclaims, "Dig here!!!"
Then again, its like a large wooden ship built and placed on the water. As the waves hurl the ship about, tension and stress scatters about through the structure of the ship, and immediately each board directs tension and stress towards the large beam of wood that is positioned in the center of the ship to absorb that tension and hold the ship together. Without the large beam at the center of the vessel, the ship would fall apart and sink in the sea. In principle, the person criticized is the "beam of wood".
Have you ever wondered why it always seems that people criticize you in certain ways, but but do not seem to do so with others? The group can be your family, your neighbors, your work staff, your classroom, sports team, convent or profession. Sometimes it can almost feel like the whole world got together in a room someplace and decided to talk bad about you equally on the same topic! The reason is, bad criticism, even abuse, Does not happen randomly like a sawed off shot gun, but instead like precise electrical charges from negative and positive electrodes on a battery, the best inside you is attacked, accused or lied about, while the person correctly wrong hides their fault behind the actions of their targeting blame.
You might be a father who's strength is loving your children with all your heart. Yet, lies can be said, your character trashed, and bureaucracy be used to take your children away. You might be a wife who's gift is being patient, loving, innocent, yet experience night and day of being screamed at and humiliated falsely accused of being cruel, heartless, not good enough or not beautiful. You might be a responsible teenager who enjoys making up your bed in the morning, exercising God given responsibility as a natural character trait. Yet, a parent or guardian who is not responsible in an important area of his or her life, may nag and insult you continually for not placing a blanket, sheet or pillow case in the precise location that guardian insists is necessary at the expense of the responsible one's personal integrity replaced with shame.
"And why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not consider the plank in your own eye? Or how can you say to your brother, 'Let me remove the speck from your eye'; and look, a plank is in your own eye? Hypocrite! First remove the plank from your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye." (Matthew 7:3-5)
Thursday
Catholic Psychology (101)
The Catholic Church with its Bible, catechism, Sacraments, Mass, Canon Law, church hiearchy, rosary, writings of saints, and history, is relevant and a worthy remedy to the psychological/emotional starvation of international populace in the twenty-first century. Perhaps together in this forum we can facilitate pertinent discussion on this precise topic. As in the words of G.K. Chesterson, "The sages, it is often said, can see no answer to the riddle of religion. But the trouble with our sages is not that they cannot see the answer; it is that they cannot even see the riddle." In his book "Orthodoxy", Mr. Chesterson describes a fictitous story of a man who left Britain on a yaught in search of a new island country. He thought he found one in the South Pacific. The man studied the new country with excitement and invigerated wonder. Finally, to his surprise, the man realized that the "new country" he had discovered was actually the old one he had left behind, but then only returned to. Today in our propensity to find truths about life that have never been discovered (a new psychology as it were), sadly we have turned our backs on what has accomplished miracles for others in the past.